Correção de essay toefl: sports and university

Olá, boa tarde, essa é a primeira vez que posto aqui no fórum, estou estudando para o Toefl, gostaria de pedir por favor que dessem uma olhada em uma essay que eu escrevi. Desde já agradeço.

Tema:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Universities should give the same amount of money to their students’ sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Essay:

What is the importance of sports to a university? Should they give the same amout of money to sports as they give to libraries? As far as I am concerned, I believe that universities should give the same amount of money to their student’s sports activities as they give to their university library because sports can teach the students things like concentration and group work. Also, sports can improve student’s heath.

First, university life is very stressful. There are many things to do and to focus on. As a result, people get headache and they lose concentration at exams for example. One thing that helped me to avoid those problems was a sport. Since I started taking at classes at my university I started to practice some Aikido, which is a martial art. Aikido is really low key and teaches concentration. As a result my headaches gone away and I got better grades at exams.

Also, Sports can teach work group to students. For example, Aikido unlike other martial arts is not competitive. On the contrary, aikido teaches us to help each other to execute the techniques. Before I started to practice Aikido, I did see importance of group work. This sport makes me see things in a whole new light.

Finally, nowadays, many people, including university students, are overweight. This is a really important issue that needs to be treated accordingly. One thing that can help people lose weight are sports. I know a girl who was fat when I met her. She starts to practice Aikido with me, and now, after one year, she lost ten kilograms. She says that her blood pressure improved and increased her disposal.

For those reasons, I contend that, universities should give the same amount of money to the student’s sports activities as they give to university library. If you are a university student, you should go to practice some sport now!

E isso aí pessoal.
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Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
Welcome to the Forum, faugusto. Take a seat, feel at home! :D

As I am very short of time, I will give it just a kick-off. Here are my first impressions, if I may. Others will take up where I left off.

----------------------------
Tema:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
[Please, do what they asked, so try to stick to fact that you agree or disagree...]



Universities should give the same amount of money to their students’ sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. 


Essay:

What is the importance of sports to a university? Should they give the same amout of money to sports as they give to libraries?
[Here you didn´t "answered his questions" he wanted to know wether you agree or not...instead you repeated his very words or almost.
As a basis of comparation you can see this one, you can see that the guy goes to the point head on.

http://www.lougheed.com/LC/messages/513.html



Note: don´t try emulate his/her grammar etc. And the author argument is against, in the sense of more investment to libraries instead of sports. That happens, because in the US, sports are highly funded within Universities, you can see that running a search on Google.

Fact is, your composition is what you think, you can be pro/against or see advantages and disadvantages on some issue.
What they want to see, is wether your argument holds (if you are good at expressing yourself and get your point made)

That´s why I find important to say that about the above reference, it was just to show that you need to make a point, it was what was asked.

It´s a commom trait of many students to repeat some chunk of the "prompt" they are given, as way to have more lines (Brazilian students with Portuguese compositions/essays/texts) or the word counting (the American ones)...please try to avoid that whenever you can, teachers know best! ;) Of course, it´s not your case, I am saying that in a general way. :)




As far as I am concerned, I believe (that) universities should spend the same amount of money with their student’s on sports as they give to libraries. Because sports can teach students important/valuable things like concentration and group work, along with improving student’s health.



As you see, I changed it a little bit. And that´s why:


- I believe that universities should give the same amount of money to their student’s sports activities as they give to their university libraries.

Firstly, it got very similar to the "prompt" they gave. Secondly, for variety´s sake, I replaced "give...money" for "spending...money".
Other fact is that, if universities are spending money on sports (giving money to sports activities, if you wish) I deemed
slightly unimportant to express that it is to "their students". A university wouldn´t spend money on students of other institutions, would it?



To me, until you build up some more vocabulary, you can make use of linguee/bab.la, and other sites like that. They offer several ways of saying the same thing, or related to them, and even the contrary.
Of course, with time, or at the day of the exam, you won´t do that. You will walk with your own legs, and will put your own words to the paper.



Don´t worry, though. I was a bit lenghty because I don´t know you level of English, that´s why I was so verbose! ;)
Thanks for your answer.
So, I don't know which is my english level. I've been learning english by myself. I can listen and read very well. But I am struggling with writing and speaking. I need to take at least 23 in the writing section of Toefl exam.
Do you think it is possible?
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
You are welcome, faugusto.

As for your English level, I don´t know too, but I can say you express yourself well. So, your certainly will make it, don´t sweat it, don´t sweat the marks you will get, focus on trying to do your best.
I have noticed that you use the verb tenses well, and can bet that you can read and listen well. I know that sometimes writing and speaking sometimes "sucks",
but you will get there, it´s a matter of time.
I never sat a TOEFL, but I am certain you will do well, provided that you study hard.
So, the answer is Obama-like: "yes, you can!" pretty much everybody can.

My first tip to written English is, when you write the word English you capitalise it, wether you mean people born in the UK or the language. Capitalise it, and you can´t go wrong.