Correção de poema: "Embedded"

Ok, I decided to ask help with another poem if it's possible, I've just written it. However this one is longer than the previous one. Thanks a lot everyone

EMBEDDED

The sun rises again
But I don’t
(long silence)

Castaway...
My island named “inevitable”
My dreams put aside
And inside -pieces of hope
Crowded with a sharp loneliness
Tearing my soul apart

I look at “man and the woman contemplating the moon”
The memory of you suddenly inhabit my mind
My heart – tiny shards of broken glasses
A bitter taste invades my mouth
Bile and blood
All the good moments
And bad brought up to my mouth
Chewed and spit out
To the world

I will try to sleep, I promise
I will try to drive my mind to a quiet place
Where I can’t harm myself
Where the picture of you won’t kill me over and over again
But I know that I will fail
I know that once again
Your lips will encounter mine
And you will suck from me
All the unhappiness of these days
And with your tongue and touch
You will heal all the scars of these
Unfortunate meaningless minutes

I wake up
We are not there yet
Silence
Absence
Emptiness
Incompleteness


Raquel Oliveira dos Santos

27/02/11
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Avatar do usuário dlr 65
OK! The only 2 grammar errors that I saw were:

The memory of you suddenly inhabit my mind
-subject-verb agreement

I look at “man and the woman contemplating the moon”
-here it's kind of strange that the 'the' is in front of 'woman'.


Besides that, it's a very heartfelt and evocative poem. Reading it I can feel the frustration of being denied the tranquility and solace of a dream. There is that fleeting moment of realizing that you are still awake laying there thinking, and before you know it, thinking is all you have left to do. The worst part is, your thoughts are like a playground for the surreal. Good and bad memories are water and oil that your mind somehow mixes into one. The frustration deepens as you struggle to suppress the memories that you know are no good for you, yet you can't decide what you forget. The most you can do is ignore, but that is about like trying to put a bandage over a bullet wound.

Anyway, that's what I think..
oh thanks for your comments! It's really good to have a feedback, as a matter of fact that "the" wasn't supposed to be there, lol, so I guess it was one real mistake, I typed it wrong. And yes! you are right about everything else.
wow, dlr, your comments are so me! It's like if you could have read me in the poem and now you are describing me.Amazing! thanks