Correção de poema "My life is..."

sophiaschimidt 20
Sei que e dificil corrigir poema, mas eu agradeceria se as pessoas pudessem corrigir este pequeno poema que e parte de uma historia minha, ou melhora-lo com algumas expressoes ou palavras mais interessantes.

Obrigada desde ja

"My life is a blend of feelings,
Disturbances, madness
I fold my dreams into little pieces,
And keep them inside a heart-shaped envelope,
My brain is a bowl of breadcrumbs,
Perceptions of the light that won’t come,
A day happening in theory,
Your eyes spit clarity in my face,
Your feet crumble my existence,
Yet, I can’t stop being
A blend of everything at the same time,
Till the day where you will steal my envelope
And drown my heart
In the numbness of the lake”
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10 respostas
Ordenar por: Data

Marcio_Farias 12530 1 23 211
You wrote the poem yourself? You did a hell of a wonderful job there!

sophiaschimidt 20
Yes I did, I always attempt to write things in english since I write in portuguese as well, oh thanks very much for your comment, any mistakes? Or better words to improve it?

Marcio_Farias 12530 1 23 211
I can't think of any that might work for your wonderfully written poem. Yes, they'd say it takes a poet to correct another poet's poem. Each poem takes on a personal characteristic you can't easily or flatly correct. Or debunk. Poetry words may even appear loosely placed, yet a poem reader may savor the poem and never find fault with it.

I don't find fault with your poem. I like it!

w.slayman 110
Sophia,

I am not a real fan of poetry, but your effort is quite remarkable, and very well done. You have much more tallent than me, and I will not pretend to suggest improvements when I can not do nearly as well,

dlr 75
Well I am a big fan of poetry and as my 2 friends above have said, you did a very good job. Everything is coherent, no grammar mistakes, the poem flows nicely.

I like these lines:
"I fold my dreams into little pieces"
"A day happening in theory"
and I like the metaphor of the heart/envelope.

You should write more and post it on here, I would be happy to read it. I'm too ashamed to post my own poems :oops: though my style is more visual and my expression of self is done more through symbolism than metaphors. My poems are a little less macabre than Poe and much less depressing, but I would say he's my biggest inspiration.
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sophiaschimidt 20
Wow thanks so much for the all the messages! :-) I feel really happy and I feel like writing even more now,


I think it would be great if we exchange poems and ideas, feel free to write me an email: sophiaschimidt@hotmail.com, as I said before I write in portuguese and I came abroad to learn english and gain experience to write later, (also to make money to publish my book in Brazil, lol) turns out I decided to stay and now Im starting to write in english as well. I would love to read poems and texts from other people and together we could help each other with ideas and proofreading.

Thanks very much again guys :-))
these comments made my day!

dlr 75
If you want feedback for your other poetry you send me a PM and I'd be happy to read it and share my writing as well.

sophiaschimidt 20
I'd love that, well I want more read other people's stuff than anything else, please forgive my stupidity, what is a PM? lol thanks

Ravenna 70 3
Hi Sophia,

Lindo poema^^

PM = MP (mensagem particular) *private message*

^^ C-ya!

sophiaschimidt 20
Thanks guys,


Dlr, I can't send any message for you right now since I've been punished, I can't send any PM that's why I couldn't find. But feel free to right me an email with your stuff and I will write you back.

my email: sophiaschimidt@hotmail.com

:-)

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