Correção de poema "Where's my time"

Strain

What I am doing?
Where's my time
My life
The gate is open
To show what I had lost
Blinking
But I want again this second

I am in a hurry
Music stop and don't return
To that origin
Where everything was flawless
A time before present and after future
A middle season wandering between anxieties and mood swings

My thought is blocked
And I am sweating my old life
Drain a essence to fill with
My new way to breath
To look at me
Understanding what I am feeling
But I am still feeling
But I am still arrested
Other are peeking my essence
They want steal it
Mold and drawn
The colors I am following
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Avatar do usuário mili 30
I am not good to find erros, but I am asking myself if it is better for you to say

the music stopped and it didnt come back, instead of Music stop and don't return, but I am not sure.....it is just something for you to think about it...I would say song instead of music...but again as I said I am not sure
Hi marky, congratulations by the poem!

there's only one mistake that I found, at the first line is "What am I doing", isn't?

good luck!
Avatar do usuário dlr 65
O problema é que apenas você sabe os verdadeiros significados das suas palavras, então sempre com a poesia é difícil sugerir 'correções'. Mas vou apontar as coisas que soam estranhas.

"but I want again this second" - a ordem das palavras faz esse verso meio confuso.

"music stop and don't return" - verificar a conjugação dos verbos

"A time before present and after future" - nada de errado aqui, só que eu gostei desse verso :)

breath = subjuntivo
breathe = verbo

"Drain a essence to fill with" - Para ser gramaticalmente correto "a essence" devia ser "an essence", mas ainda assim eu não estou pegando o que quer dizer aqui

"Other are peeking my essence" - 'to peek' é um verbo intransitivo... quer dizer que, se pode 'peek' mas não se pode 'peek' alguma coisa, faz sentido? Sugiro outra palavra.

"Mold and drawn
The colors I am following" - não estou entendendo esses versos, quer explicar um pouco mais?
Valeu pessoal. É o seguinte dlr:

"but I want again this second" (mas eu quero novamente este segundo): "but I want this second again"

"music stop and don't return" (a musica parou e não vai voltar) : "music stopped and didn't return"

"Drain a essence to fill with" (secar,esvaziar, minha essência para preencher com)

"Other are peeking my essence" (os outros estão buscando, querendo, no encalço da minha essência): my intention here was to put something like: "espiando para depois capturar", por isso o "peeking". What other word can I use here with same meaning but grammatically correct?

"Mold and drawn
The colors I am following": "moldar (no sentido de construir) e desenhar/ as cores que eu sigo"
Avatar do usuário dlr 65
How about this:

What I am doing?
Where's my time
My life
The gate is open
To show what I had lost
Blinking
but I want this second again

I am in a hurry
the music stopped and didn't return
To that origin
Where everything was flawless
A time before present and after future
A middle season wandering between anxieties and mood swings

My thought is blocked
And I am sweating my old life
Draining [this/an/my] essence to fill in with
[My/A] new way to breathe
To look at myself (I think this is what you meant)
Understanding what I am feeling
But I am still feeling
But I'm still ?? (arrested = held in custody by the police)
Others are [after/eyeing] my essence
They want to steal it
To shape and draw
the colors that I follow
You're right I can't be "arrrested" and maybe peeking isn't correct in this place (eyeing is the word I was looking for). Thanks dlr !