Correção de texto: FCE Essay

Sugestões:

-----
Many people are enthusiastic about going shopping for a number of different reasons (para evitar a repetição de "many"). The most common one is escaping everyday problems and stress. They just disconnect themselves from all issues they have been facing by shopping. It also means taking / going for a stroll because they have to shop around before buying what they are looking for. For this reason, it can be a pleasant activity for people who are passionate about such a thing. Furthermore, when people go out for this purpose they might come across / run into acquaintances and friends. Another point is that when people go shopping, it may be a cheap leisure activity if you think about how expensive some leisure activities are. You buy things you are in need of and at the same time you have fun.

Nevertheless, I believe that shopping has little value as a leisure activity. Human beings can be poles apart and some people, like me, may not consider it (to be) as fun. On the contrary, it may be seen as a boring activity and even as an obligation. It is totally different from going jogging, (for example), which can be an energizing, stress-relieving activity. Shopping for leisure can also be the sign of a potential addiction for some people who see it as the only way to circumvent their problems and begin to spend more money than they have.

In conclusion, I believe that shopping as a leisure activity is of no / little (moral / spiritual / social / etc.) value. However, as I mentioned before, we live in a world where people are completely different like chalk and cheese. Thus, we should respect people's choices and tastes. If people feel relaxed and good while shopping, they should do it whenever they want to.
-----

Você tem um bom domínio do idioma. Algumas notas, contudo:

1) Algumas das obsevações levantadas na dissertação não possuem respaldo científico. Por exemplo:

Many people are enthusiastic about going shopping for a number of different reasons. The most common one is escaping everyday problems and stress.

Se esta informação for verdadeira, é importante que você cite a fonte ou, ao menos, forneça algum tipo de embasamento. Caso esta seja sua opinião, deixe isto claro no texto.

2) É importante manter o texto conciso. Evite passagens extremamente longas, que podem ser estruturadas de maneira sucinta sem perda de significado (como a segunda frase do segundo parágrafo, por exemplo).

3) Algumas ideias não precisam de reforço adicional. Por exemplo:

...we live in a world where people are completely different like chalk and cheese.

Como você deve ter percebido, "completely", por si só, já transmite a ênfase necessária à afirmação. Além do mais, o uso da expressão "like chalk and cheese" pode não ser apropriado em uma dissertação, dada sua natureza informal.

Keep it up!