Correção de texto: I would like to say...

Boa Noite amigos, gostaria de saber se alguém fazendo o favor poderia dar uma olhada em uma redação que eu fiz para uma oportunidade de trainee. A prova era por web conferência e tive que fazer uma redação meio que numa surpresa. Tive 20 minutos para fazê-la e gostaria de saber se ficou muito ruim ou se teve muitos erros, para que eu possa melhorar o meu inglês.

Grato desde já!

A redação é para contar um pouco sobre mim, o por que escolhi o meu curso, as experiências, etc...e o motivo da escolha da oportunidade e o que ela pode fazer para minha carreira.

I would like to say something about me, what my expectations are and why I have chosen this opportunity.

My name is Vitor XXX XXX. I am twenty one years old. I live with my mother and my brother and I study XXXX XX XXX XXXX in XXXX. The interest for study XXXX started when I was in high school when I had a school work about programming an calculator. After finished that task I want to learn more and more about programming. When I got in college, I have my first experience as intern. I had two experiences as intern. First experience I worked as java web programmer. The second experience as intern I work as system analysist, my main activities include java programming (XXXX), provide support for Oracle users, database modeling and system integration. All this great opportunities helped me to develop my tech and personal skills. I became a responsible person and I learned to work in teamwork.

After my last intern, I decide to get a trainee opportunity and intend to keep my career as Oracle consultant or system analysist. Because I understood how an ERP work and why the company need this kind of solution and I loved provide support. I think with this opportunity I can learn more about act like as system analysist and hopeful contribute with the company to achieve her objectives and goals.
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My corrections are shown below:

I would like to say something about myself, what my expectations are and why I have chosen this opportunity.

My name is Vitor XXX XXX. I am twenty one years old. I live with my mother and my brother and I study XXXX XX XXX XXXX in XXXX. My interest for studying XXXX started when I was in high school when I had a school work about programming a calculator. After finishing that task I wanted to learn more and more about programming. When I got into college I had two experiences as intern. The first experience I worked as a Java Web Programmer. The second as an intern I worked as a Systems Analyst, my main activities included Java Programming (XXXX), providing support for Oracle users, Database Modeling, and Systems Integration. All those great opportunities helped me to develop my technical and personal skills. I became a responsible person and I learned how to work in a team.

After my last intern, I decided to get a trainee opportunity to continue my career as Oracle Consultant or Systems Analyst because I understood how an ERP works and why the company required this kind of solution and I enjoyed providing support.

I think with this opportunity I can learn more about working as a Systems Analyst and, hopefully, contribute to assist the company achieve *their objectives and goals.

Pay more attention to the subject-verb agreement (concordância verbal).
Systems Analist - plural
*Don't ever say "her" here, "the company is not "her".