Correção de texto "My name is John you know it but I say..."

Hello everybody. My name is John you know it but I say it again. I have a particular opinion about teens and technology in general. I guess that young boys are becoming addicted to video games. The question that every guys want to know is Why do they like so much that? And How can parents make with their kids stop playing? The first question is simple… Teens like computers and mobile phone because it’s fun and when they are playing they are absent minded and for example while teens are playing video games they could be someone else (nao sei se esta expressao esta bem) that they liked be! The second question for guys that don’t remember is How can parents make with their kids stop playing… and for this questions we just need think.. teens like video games because that’s fun, so parents should do a substitution … change video games for things more funny… like practice sports or travel with them…
Play video games entails several dangers… hipertenção (nao encontrei a traduçao para ingles), problems in their eyes, isolation and depressions…. I kwon that is very fun and if we play sometimes there aren’t problem… However if we are always playing we can damage our relationship with our friends and our health too. Then I advise you to play with moderation…

segunda feira vou ler este texto na aula de ingles... podem ver se esta bem e se acham que deveria mudar alguma coisa... eu acho que uso muitas vezes "and" como faço para combater isso?
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Hello everybody. My name is John, you know it but I say it again. I have a particular opinion about teens and technology in general. I guess that young boys are becoming addicted to video games. The question that every guy wants to know is Why do they like it so much? And How can parents make their kids stop playing? The first question is simple… Teens like computers and mobile phone because it’s fun and when they are playing they are absent-minded and for example while teens are playing video games they can be someone else that they liked to be! The second question for guys that don’t remember is How can parents make their kids stop playing… and for this questions we just need to think.. teens like video games because that’s fun, so parents should do a substitution … change video games for things funnier… like practice sports or travel with them…
Playing video games entails several dangers… hypertension, problems in their eyes, isolation and depressions…. I know that is very funny and if we play sometimes there aren’t any problems… However if we are always playing we can damage our relationship with our friends and our health too. Then I advise you to play with moderation…

Tentei, se corrigi algo errado por favor não hesitem.
depois de corrigirem nao acham que repito muitas vezes a mesmas palavras?
Eu não achei isso não, para mim está bom.
Obrigado... achas que deveria acrescentar mais alguma coisa sobre o tema?
Como eu não tenho esse problema de video game, eu não sei dizer mais:

Só mais uma correção:

The second question for guys that don’t remember is How can parents make their kids stop playing… and for these questions we just need to think..
ah muito obrigado... e conectores achas que devia usar mais? a professora dise para usarmos muitos
Que tanto de perguntas! Não se preocupe, eu acho que está bom, e acho que você quis dizer conectivos.