Correção de texto para Toefl

Olá galera,queria uma ajuda na correção dessa redação pro toefl! Agradeço muito a atenção!

Is it better to enjoy your money when you earn it or is it better to save your money for some time in the future? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Generally speaking, I think that it is better to save your money for a necessity in a future. Indeed, when you earn your salary, one thing that you want more to do is spend in something you like. However, if you spend all the earned money you won’t have a security for improvises that happen in your live.
First of all, save money is one of the most important things to do for live quietly. If you have little amount of money saved, you will be more relaxed when a problem comes. Just because you get prepared before, you won’t need to preoccupied with the spend money. Among this, many things can happen, like accidents or improvises. You may think that it will not occur in your live, but if it does, you’ll regret for do not save money.
Second, if you have a kid it is important to save money for his university. Many of the universities are private, so if you want enter in the college you need to have lots of money. Today, it is normal the parents doing that, because the son or daughter needs to go to college and they pay everything to him or her.
Third, just save money is not the only thing to do if you want to be safe. One other option is invest your money. It is a good example of how saving money the people who goes to a bank and guard your ‘’dollars’’ for a period and every month the bank gives a percent of the total money. For example, one person that is saving a million of dollars in a bank receives in end of the month, a hundred thousands of dollars.
For conclusion, save money only bring us good consequences. In addition, you can save to buy things that you need, like a car for example. Instead, if you are an uncontrollable people, you will not have any money when a surprise comes and you will have to sell your belongings. On the other hand, if you are saving money, you can live safety.

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Nesta aula, o professor Adir Ferreira, autor do livro "A Chave do Aprendizado da Língua Inglesa", nos conta como se tornou um Expert em pronúncia e dá várias dicas para você se comunicar melhor em inglês. ACESSAR AULA
1 resposta
Juliana Rios 24 105 397
Hi Raul. Below are some corrections and/or suggestions aimed at the improvement of your essay. Some of the changes suggested are purely stylistic in nature, but may enhance the overall flow and readability of your essay. In-text comments are inside [brackets].
Generally speaking, I think that it is better to save your money for a necessity in the future. Indeed, when you earn your salary, one of the things you may want to do (the) most is to spend it on something you like. However, if you spend all the earned money, you might make yourself vulnerable to unexpected events ["improvise" is not a noun].
First of all, saving money is one of the most important things to do if you want to lead a comfortable life. If you have a little amount of money saved, you will feel more relaxed when a problem comes along. Preparing beforehand could mean you won't need to worry about how much money you spend. After all, many things can happen, such as accidents and other unforeseen events / emergencies. You may think that these things will never happen to you, but if they do, you will regret not saving money.
Second, if you have a child ["kid" is a low-register word, and might be inappropriate for use in a written exam], it is important to save money for his or her college tuition. Many of the universities are private, so putting them through college may require a sizeable amount of money. Today, it is normal for parents to do that, because their children need to go to college and their parents are usually the ones who support them.
However [what follows is an opposing point], saving money is not the only thing to do if you want to be financially safe. Another option is to invest it. A common example of this would be a savings account, which pays interest on the amount saved on a periodic basis. In practice, a person who keeps a million dollars in a bank receives a hundred thousand dollars at the end of the month, at a given rate.
In conclusion, saving money only brings good consequences. In addition, you can save to buy things that you need, like a car, for example. If you have uncontrollable spending habits ["people" is the plural form of "person"], however, you might not have enough money when a surprise arises, and you might even have to sell your belongings. On the other hand, when you save, you can often live safely.
A few notes:

1) You might want to avoid excessively assertive statements which cannot be supported by evidence and rely solely on a personal perception. You can often work around this issue by using less forceful linguistic devices, such as "may", "might", "possibly", "perhaps", "it could be that", "it is possible that", "likely", "sometimes", "often" etc. The possibilities are virtually limitless.

2) Remember that you need to tack the particle "ing" on to the end of a verb to put it in the infinitive (or use "to" before it). For example:

Save money only brings us good consequences.
Saving money only brings us good consequences. (Correct)

Keep up the good work.