Correção de textos: "Applying for a Job"

Avatar do usuário TheBigSpire 1070 1 6 25
Hi there!

Estou prestando o IELTS em 06 dias.
Para focar forte nessa reta final, decidi escrever 2 textos por dia pegando samples de exames anteriores: Um será a carta (Letter) e o outro a dissertação (Essay).
Se alguém tiver a possibilidade de corrigí-los ou apontar ideias/mudanças será de grande valia!
Qualquer comentario é de grande ajuda!
Grato!




7. Applying for a Job
You have seen an advertisement for part-time work in a hotel for three months over the summer. Write a letter to the manager. In your letter:

say what experience you have
ask what the work involves
enquire about conditions

Begin your letter as follows: Dear Sir / Madam

You should write at least 150 words. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.



Dear Sir / Madam,

My name is Angelo and I am writing you this letter because I got pretty interested in the three months vacancy over the summer. I have worked for two years as a recepcionist at Ibis Hotel. Moreover, I am a Brazilian Portuguese native speaker who speaks English and Spanish. I would also like to mention that I have some experience on the catering area, having worked for a couple of years as a waiter. It may be useful depending on the sort of vacancies available.

The advertisement does not say the type of work that the positions available are entitled to do. Is this a recepcionist position? Will I deal with customers in case I get the job? I would like you to clarify that for me.

I want some information regarding the conditions of the role as well. How much are the wages offered? How many days a week is the employee supposed to work for?

I look forward to hearing from you!

Thank you very much,

Yours faithfully,

Angelo Borsato




Essay

In some countries the average worker is obliged to retire at the age of 50, while in others people can work until they are 65 or 70. Until what age do you think people should be encouraged to remain in paid employment? Give reasons for your answer.



In today`s world, the word "stress" is as common as the words "coffee" or "television": it became part of our everyday vocabulary. People are working more, driving their cars more, arguing more with each other. On the other hand, they are spending less quality time with their relatives, they are relaxing less, they are enjoying less their lives. The competition in the labor market has been rougher than never and it leads to several harmful consequences such as overstress and a growing individualism among people relationships.

As life expectancy has been increasing year after year, most of countries has been delaying workers retirement age in order to keep the balance between the government pension conditions and people`s incomes. However, approving laws like that one are the easiest way to try to avoid something that is already inneficient: Government pension systems accumulate losses year after year.

People already spent the biggest part of their lives working and serving the state; they cannot keep on working for longer only because they earned a couple of years more to live. Most of countries oblige their workers to work up to more than 65 years of age. After spending their whole life working, how can somebody be able to rest, relax and travel only after they turn 70? Life is not made only of work and paying taxes. Everybody has only one life to get the most out of it. The whole pension system should be restructured to make people working less and retiring at a reasonable age, in which would allow them to still have some energy and capability to enjoy the life in good shape.

In conclusion, considering somebody that started worked at 20 years of age, 60 years seems to me the perfect age for the retirement: The person has still lots of energy and a considerable amount of life time to enjoy in the desired way.
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Avatar do usuário Artful Dodger 4500 6 13 103

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Angelo and I am writing you because I am interested in the three months job over the summer. I have worked for two years as a receptionist at Ibis Hotel. Moreover, I am a native speaker of Portuguese who also speaks English and Spanish. I would also like to mention that I have some experience in the catering area, having worked for a couple of years as a waiter. This experience may be useful, depending on the sort of vacancies available.

The advertisement does not say the type of work the employees are supposed to do. Is this a receptionist position? Will I deal with customers in case I get the job? Could please clarify that for me?

I would also like some information regarding wages and employee benefits. How much does this job pay? How many days a week is the employee supposed to work?

I look forward to hearing from you!

Thank you very much,

Yours faithfully,

Angelo Borsato.


Correction key:
Italic = Not necessarily wrong, but perhaps unclear, imprecise or could have been explained better.
bold = Problems with grammar, vocabulary or spelling.

Essay

In today's world, the word "stress" is as common as "coffee" or "television"; it has become part of our day-to-day vocabulary. People are working more hours, driving more often their cars and arguing more frequently amongst themselves. In addition, they are spending less quality time with their relatives; they are less relaxed; they are enjoying less their lives. The competition in the labor market has become rougher than ever, which leads to several harmful consequences, such as overstressed people and a growing individualism in personal relationships.

As life expectancy increases year after year, most countries have postponed workers' retirement age. Such measures are taken in order to keep the balance between the social security expenses and people's incomes. However, approving such laws is the easiest way to try to fix something that is already inefficient: social security systems have accumulated increasing losses annually.

People who have already spent the largest part of their lives working should not be forced to do it for longer only because they've statistically earned a couple of years of life expectancy. Most countries oblige their workers to work until after they're 65. After spending their whole lives working, how could they only be able to rest, relax and travel after they turn 70? Life is not made only of work and paying taxes. Everybody has only one life to get the most out of it. The whole pension system should be restructured to make people work less and retire at a reasonable age, which would allow them to enjoy the life in good shape.

In conclusion, considering somebody who started worked at 20 years of age, 60 years seems to me the perfect age for the retirement: the person still has lots of energy and a considerable amount of life time to enjoy in the desired way.


Congratulations, your writing has improved a lot.
Keep that up and you'll do fine in your exam!