Correção de texto: "Asking for information"

Avatar do usuário TheBigSpire 1070 1 6 25
Hi there!

Estou prestando o IELTS em 13 dias.
Para focar forte nessa reta final, decidi escrever 2 textos por dia pegando samples de exames anteriores: Um será a carta (Letter) e o outro a dissertação (Essay).
Se alguém tiver a possibilidade de corrigí-los ou apontar ideias/mudanças será de grande valia!
Qualquer comentario é de grande ajuda!
Grato!



Text 1: Letter
Asking for Information

You live in an English speaking country and you want to do some voluntary, unpaid work in a developing country. Write a letter to a company called Cultural Expeditions, which organizes such trips. In your letter:
•Explain why you want to do the voluntary work.
•State what your skills and experience are.
•Indicate where you would like to volunteer and for how long.



To Cultural Expeditions,

Hi there!

My name is Angelo and I have been living in Ireland for one a half year. I saw the advertisement regarding the voluntary work and that caught me instantly! Voluntary work is something I have in mind since I was a teenager and two cousins of mine decided to do that: That became such an outstanding example of civility for me. The way they were helping poor people in Africa was quite moving and therefore I always knew I would end up doing the same!
I haven`t got any experience involving voluntary work. However, I believe it wouldn`t be a big deal, since my willing to help and to share is immense.
Since I am Brazilian, I would really appreciate if you could send me over that area for around two months, because I am already familiar with people and language, which in my opinion would make things really easier for everybody.
I am looking forward to hearing from you!
Thanks very much indeed!
Regards,
Angelo.

(164 palavras)




Text 2: Essay
Should children be taught sex education in schools?


We have been facing lately an increase on the polemic involving whether sex education should be taught or not in schools. I strongly disagree with that. It is widely known that the promiscuity among children and teenagers have been growing in the past decades considering some researches that pointed that the youth has been having their first sexual relationship earlier than never. Moreover, it is already very clear to most of young people how the sex works: They learn with their friends, through internet, watching television.
Sex education is something that should be first explained by the parents of each children or teenager, at the right time and with the proper words. Therefore, this way the intimacy between parents and children would enhance and they would be closer to each other.
Creating a specific subject called "Sex education" would be an extreme exaggeration. In my point of view, sex education should only be a part of the biology studies and taught as any other part of that discipline such as cells, nature processes or genetics. With several subjects to be taught by the teachers, the weekly schedule is already too short to be modified adding another discipline excluding some vital one.
The sex has been being overestimated in the present time. There is no point shortening the Mathematics, History or Literature classes to add Sex education. The youth have to go to the school to acquire useful knowledge for their lives to grow as a person and not as sex machines.


(251 palavras)

(Que tema chato de escrever, escolhi um tema aleatório e essa não é a minha opinião, mas como podemos mentir no IELTS, taí a mentira! Hahaha!)
MENSAGEM PATROCINADA Para aprender mais sobre os Tempos Verbais baixe agora o: Guia Grátis de Tempos Verbais em Inglês. Ele contém um resumo bem estruturado para revisar os conceitos que você aprendeu na escola.

Clique aqui e saiba como baixar!
Avatar do usuário Artful Dodger 4500 6 13 103
To Cultural Expeditions,

Hi there!

My name is Angelo and I have been living in Ireland for a year and a half. I saw the advertisement regarding the voluntary work and that caught me instantly! Voluntary work is something that has been on my mind since I was a teenager; two cousins of mine decided to do it and it became such an outstanding example of civility for me. The way they were helping poor people in Africa was quite moving and from that moment I knew I would end up doing the same!
I do not have any experience involving voluntary work. However, I believe that it would not be a big deal, since my willingness to help and to share is immense.
Since I am Brazilian, I would really appreciate if you sent me there for around two months; I am already familiar with the people and the language, which in my opinion would make things really easier for everybody.
I look forward to hearing from you!

Thank you very much!

Regards,

Angelo.


Apart from a few changes I felt necessary, your first text was very good! Here follow some comments:
(1) If I were to send a letter applying for a job (even a voluntary unpaid one) I would not salute the receiver with a 'Hi there!'; it sounds too personal for me. I would rather choose something like 'Dear sir or madam' or 'To whom it may concern', but it's your decision.
(2) In a formal text, try to avoid contractions, such as don't and haven't.

Should children be taught sex education in schools?

Lately, we have been facing an increasing polemic regarding whether sex education should be taught or not in schools. I strongly disagree with that kind of class. It is widely known that the promiscuity among children and teenagers has been growing in the last decades: some researches pointed out that the youth have been having their first sexual relationship earlier than ever. Moreover, it is already very clear to most young people how the sex works: they learn with their friends, through internet and even by watching television.
Sex education is something that should be first explained by the parents, at the right time and with the proper words. Therefore, the intimacy between parents and children would be enhanced and they would become closer to each other.
Creating a specific subject called "sex education" would be an extreme exaggeration. In my point of view, sex education should only be a part of the biology studies and it should be taught as any other part of that discipline. With several subjects to be taught by the teachers, the weekly schedule is already too tight to be modified by adding another discipline and perhaps excluding some vital one.
Nowadays sex has been being overestimated. There is no point in shortening the mathematics, history or literature classes to add sex education. The youth have to go to school to acquire useful knowledge for their lives to grow as people and not as sex machines.


Some thoughts on your essay:
1) When you wrote I strongly disagree with that, it wasn't clear if you meant the polemic itself or the sexual education in schools. Thus, I slightly changed the sentence.
2) I personally would use the expression provide sex education rather than teach sex education. But it's up to you.
3) Consider revising the last sentence, because it sounded too strong for me. Opinions apart, sex education classes would hardly turn anyone into a sex machine.

That being said, your text was neat. Keep up the good work!

Cheers!
Avatar do usuário TheBigSpire 1070 1 6 25
Artful Dodger escreveu:(1) If I were to send a letter applying for a job (even a voluntary unpaid one) I would not salute the receiver with a 'Hi there!'; it sounds too personal for me. I would rather choose something like 'Dear sir or madam' or 'To whom it may concern', but it's your decision.


Wow, I actually haven`t seen I had written "Hi there" on the letter. Thanks for that, it was a massive lack of attention.


Artful Dodger escreveu:3) Consider revising the last sentence, because it sounded too strong for me. Opinions apart, sex education classes would hardly turn anyone into a sex machine.

Yes, that`s exactly the intention! Hahaha!
But as I said, this text does not show my opinion, I just found it easier to discuss about that point of view.
Since we`re not obliged to say the truth while doing the IELTS, so I didn`t. ;)

Anyway, thanks very much for your help Artful Dodger, it was incredibly valuable!