Correção de texto: FCE story

Avatar do usuário Ancrispa 2555 8 57
I would like to have this essay corrected. I do need help with my essays.

FCE: story – Inventei uma estória para poder fazer a redação.
I took this task from FLO JOE: Write a story with the title: “The letter that changed my life.”
It was a raining evening. I had been working hard all day. Everything I wanted was to get home and having a warm shower and eating a hearty diner. I drove home as quickly as I could and despite of the heavy traffic I was able to arrive home thirty minutes later.
Before coming into my house, I checked the letter box to see if there was any letter. There were a pack of bills as usual, and a different envelope among them. I opened it and it was written:
“Dear Ana,
We are delighted to inform you that you have won a fortnight trip to Italy with all the expenses paid by our tourism company. It’s a trip for two, so you are allowed to take a friend.
The departure is next Friday at Guarulhos airport. All the procedures and relevant information will be sent you by e-mail as soon as you confirm your willing to go.”
Yours sincerely,
Tom Lucky
Global Tours manager
After reading the letter, I invited one of my best friends Maria Joaquina. She accepted my invitation at once and very shortly we packed and took all the necessary procedures to take a trip like that.
We landed in Rome five days later. We went sightseeing every day, ate in great restaurants, visited museums and went shopping. We also had the chance to visit Florence and stayed there for three days. It was a marvelous and enriching experience, for some time I was able to forget my tedious and unappealing life.
This letter changed my life because at that time I was going through a very difficult situation in my life which brought me a lot of uneasiness and sadness. The trip to Italy was everything I needed to relief my sufferings.

Thank you very much.
MENSAGEM PATROCINADA Aprenda dicas sobre os tempos verbais em inglês! Baixe agora o seu Guia Grátis de Tempos Verbais em Inglês. Ele contém um ótimo resumo para revisar todos os conceitos.

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Avatar do usuário Telma Regina 22725 9 58 570
Suggestions for corrections to your text:

The letter that changed my life

It was a rainy evening. I had been working hard all day. All I wanted was to get home, have a warm shower, and eat a hearty dinner. I drove home, as quickly as I could, and *regardless of the heavy traffic, I **managed to arrive home ***half an hour later.
Before going/entering into my house, I checked the letter box to see if any letter arrived. There were a pack of bills, as usual, and a different envelope amongst them. I opened it, and there was a letter saying/stating (or you can say: the words written were these):

“Dear Ana,
We are delighted to inform you that you have won a fortnight trip to Italy with all expenses paid by our tourism company. It’s a trip for two, so you are allowed to bring a friend.
The departure is next Friday at Guarulhos airport. All the procedures and relevant information will be sent to you by email as soon as you confirm you are willing to go.”
Yours sincerely,
Tom Lucky
Global Tours manager

After reading the letter, I invited one of my best friends, Maria Joaquina. She accepted my invitation at once and very shortly we packed and took all the necessary procedures to take a trip like that.
We landed in Rome five days later. We went sightseeing every day, ate in great restaurants, visited museums and went shopping. We, also, had the chance to visit Florence and stayed there for three days. It was a marvellous and very enriching experience and, for some time, I was able/could forget my tedious and unappealing life.
This letter changed my life because, at that time, I was going through a very difficult situation in my life which brought me a lot of uneasiness and sadness. The trip to Italy was everything I needed to relieve my suffering.


* "Despite" is right too, but "regardless" makes it easier to understand.
** You can say "to be able to", but "manage" is more common, in this context.
*** "Thirty minutes" is technically correct, but, in this context, "half an hour" is a lot more common.

Ana, you are a good writer, and the way you do it is very suitable to write novels. I look forward to your book launch one day.
Avatar do usuário Ancrispa 2555 8 57
Telma

I’m very happy about your excellent corrections. Thank you very much for your kindness and consideration. I do like writing in English, but I make stupid mistakes. I read a lot of British, Russian and French novels in English perhaps these books have exerted some influence on my writing.





Best,
Ana
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
Hi, Ana. Glad to see your expressing yourself, and learning in the process.
Congrats on your writings, and and on your being so active in the Forum.

Now, something caught my eye here.
The following chunk of your last post:
I do like writing in English, but I make stupid mistakes. I read a lot of British, Russian and French novels in English perhaps these books have exerted some influence on my writing.


The way it is, one could think you are justifying your making mistakes by stating the fact that you have read the British, Russian and French novels written in English. And perhaps their influence in your writing was harmful.




I do like writing in English, but I make stupid mistakes.
I have read a lot of British, Russian and French novels in English. Perhaps these books have exerted some good influence on my writing style.




------------------------------------
I added "style", trying not leaving room to a reader be misled. Well, I may be mistaken, but this is my general impression right now.



= = = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Another thing I noticed have to do the verb tenses:

I read a lot of British, Russian and French novels in English perhaps these books [i]have exerted some influence on my writing.[/i]

There was a "mix" of tenses, at least in my thinking either you would state that you read and they exert or that you have read and they have exerted (leaving them agreeing, that is, in the same tenses).