Correção de texto: Integrate Writing (TOEFL)

Oi pessoal! Esta pergunta é em relação a primeira pergunta do writing to TOEFL. A questão pede para dizer a relação e comparar as informações de um áudio e de um texto apresentado. Gostaria de saber a opinião e sugestões sobre este texto que eu fiz. Obrigada!



The passage states that euphemisms, jargon and inflated language are used to avoid directly mentioning a painful reality, to create solidarity and to make something more impressive than it actually is. The article also provides three reasons of support. However the professor explains that euphemisms, jargon and inflated language can also be forms of double speaking when they're used to mislead and deceive others. The professor refutes each of the author's reasons.

First, the reading claims that euphemism is an inoffensive word used to avoid an unpleasant reality. For example, you express condolences that someone has "passed way" because you don’t want to say to a grieving person "I'm sorry your father is dead". The professor refutes this point by saying that euphemism is used to mislead people. He mentions when the state department of the United States stated they would no longer use the term "killing" instead they would use the term "unlawful depravation", as an example to illustrate that.

Second, the passage posits that jargons functions as a kind of verbal shorthand allowing for group members to communicate clearly and quickly. The professor says that jargon is considered a double speak and that when used with people outside of a group, the person cannot comprehend what is being said. He uses the example of an airline referring to a plane crash as "involuntary conversion" to illustrate that.

Third, the reading says that inflated language is designed to make the ordinary seem extraordinary. The professor opposes this point by explaining that inflated language is designed to deceive people. For example when a company says that it's initiating "a career alternative enhancement program" when in reality it means the company is laying off workers.

In conclusion the reading claims that euphemisms, jargon and inflated language are used to avoid reality. The professor disagrees with that claim, he suggests that euphemisms, jargon and inflated language are used to deceive and mislead people.
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The passage states that euphemisms, jargon and inflated language are used to avoid directly mentioning a painful reality, to create solidarity and to make something more impressive than it actually is.


Got me wondering...perhaps you wanted to say something like "to create empathy"/"to make others relate to"/"to make people identify themselves with" etc.
Well, depends on the meaning you wanted, could be that you thought of solidarity, but...got me thinking, just in case.






The article also provides three reasons to back it up. However the professor explains that euphemisms, jargon and inflated language[/s] the use of language that way, can also be forms of double speaking when they're used to mislead and deceive others. The professor refutes each of the author's reasons.






Third, the reading says that inflated affected/pompous/stilted language is designed to make the ordinary seem extraordinary. (just not to repeat "inflated", again and again.)



The professor opposes this point by explaining thatinflated (language is designed to deceive people.


In conclusion the reading claims that euphemisms, jargon and inflated flowery/pretentious language are used in order to avoid reality. Whereas, the professor disagrees with that claim, suggests that euphemisms, jargon and inflated language such stylistic devices are used to deceive and mislead people.



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My comment was just a redraft, a kick-off, others will pick up where I left off.
By the way, one can see that you express himself in a good way. One correction here and there, but you are in the right path.