Your text is not horrible. It is good, and bettter after the changes. Just keep working and it will improve with time. Try to stop using "when" in every sentence because it's implied in some of them.
There are some days which seem to turn into a nightmare because everything we do goes wrong. When I was younger I went through one of these.Firstly, at
6:00 A.M a noisy clock woke me up (or awoke me) and I got dressed to go to school. As
I was about to open the door my mother called me and asked
, 'Where are you going so early?'. I remembered that it was S
aturday and I didn't need to study.I tried to heat up the food at lunchtime
, but the microwave
the afternoon we took a walk
in the square and my mother bought me a delicious icecream. After eating it, I threw the stick away, but
someone had left a piece of chewing gum on the garbage can's lid and my hands got very sticky.
At night, we were about to sleep and I was guessing what else could happen to me that day. I
turned around on the bed and realised there was a large cockroach beside me. I
suddenly noticed the importance of having an ordinary day.
US - garbage, GB - rubbish or litter
Confira esse site (use os ícones para checar a pontuação e a seta no canto direito):http://www.ngfl-cymru.org.uk/vtc/ngfl/e ... _use_said/
E esse:http://www.englisch-hilfen.de/en/studen ... riting.htm