Correção Essay para FCE

Olá, recentemente fiz um texto dissertativo visando simular a prova do FCE, gostaria de saber os pontos que errei e que deveriam ser melhorados tendo em vista esse tipo de certificação. Desde já agradeço!
Coloquei abaixo o enunciado e logo em seguida o texto que eu fiz:

In your English class you have been talking about the environment. Now, your English teacher has asked you to write an essay.
Every country in the world has problems with pollution and damage to the environment. Do you think these problems can be solved?

Write an essay using all the notes and giving reasons for your point of view.
Notes - Write about:
1. Transport
2. Rivers and seas
3. Health (my own idea)


Saving Earth

Industrial revolution has drove the humanity to better life, however, we did that without worry about Earth. Now, we need to rethink, recicle and restart our behaviour in order to survive here without collapse the environment.

First of all, petrol must be stopped using for transport. This fuel pollute the air spreading carbon gas. If we do not start using clean energy the temperature of our planet will be higher than ever.

Furthermore, we do not know how to throw things away when they become obsolete. As a consequence, the rivers and seas are polluted, but if we recicle and create products that impact less the landscape we can recover our planet of this situation.

All these problems really impact our health. Breathing diseases and new infections have been apering as a consequence of a sick planet. But we can change it if we preserve the planet.

To sum up, the planet need help and we must save it if we would want to live better in the next years. We are already the solutions to solve the problems, we only have to put them into practical

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Algumas sugestões de correção:
Industrial revolution has driven humanity to a better life, however, we did that without worrying about the Earth. Now, we need to rethink, recycle and restart our behaviour in order to survive here without collapsing the environment.

First of all, petrol must be stopped using for transport. This fuel pollutes the air spreading carbon gas. If we do not start using clean energy the temperature of our planet will be higher than ever.

Furthermore, we do not know how to throw things away when they become obsolete. As a consequence, the rivers and seas are polluted, but if we recycle and create products that impact less the landscape we can recover our planet of this situation.

All these problems really impact our health. Breathing diseases and new infections have been appearing as a consequence of a sick planet. But we can change it if we preserve the planet.

To sum up, the planet needs help and we must save it if we would want to live better in the next years. We are already the solutions to solve the problems, we only have to put them into practice
Bons estudos.
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