Correção de texto: FCE Essay

Avatar do usuário Ancrispa 2555 8 57
Task: Shopping has little value as a leisure activity.
Write your essay. (Longman Gold coursebook)
Does anyone can correct this essay for me?

Thank you very much indeed.
Many people are enthusiastic about going shopping for many different reasons. The most common one it is to escape everyday problems and stress. They just disconnect themselves from all issues they have been facing by shopping. In addition, it also means to make a stroll because they have to shop around before buying what they are looking for. So, it can be a pleasant activity for people who are impassioned for such a thing. Furthermore, when people go out for this purpose they might come across with acquaintances and friends. Another point it is that when people go shopping it may be a cheap leisure activity if you think about how expensive some leisure activities are. You buy things you are in need and at the same time you are having fun.

Nevertheless, I agree that shopping has little value as a leisure activity. We human beings can be poles apart and for that reason, for others like me going shopping does not signify that you will have fun as a leisure activity by doing it. On the contrary, it conveys a message of a boring activity and even an obligation. It is totally different from going jogging where you effectively alleviate your problems and feel your energy renovated being ready to deal with your problems. Shopping for leisure also shows a sign of becoming a potential addiction for some people who just see it as the only way to circumvent their problems and begin to spend more money than they have.

In conclusion, I believe that shopping as a leisure activity is not a valuable thing. However, as I mentioned before, we live in a world where people are completely different like chalk and cheese. Thus we should respect people choices and tastes. If people feel relaxed and good while doing shopping they should go for it whenever they want.

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Avatar do usuário Juliana Rios 18850 21 98 389
Sugestões:

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Many people are enthusiastic about going shopping for a number of different reasons (para evitar a repetição de "many"). The most common one is escaping everyday problems and stress. They just disconnect themselves from all issues they have been facing by shopping. It also means taking / going for a stroll because they have to shop around before buying what they are looking for. For this reason, it can be a pleasant activity for people who are passionate about such a thing. Furthermore, when people go out for this purpose they might come across / run into acquaintances and friends. Another point is that when people go shopping, it may be a cheap leisure activity if you think about how expensive some leisure activities are. You buy things you are in need of and at the same time you have fun.

Nevertheless, I believe that shopping has little value as a leisure activity. Human beings can be poles apart and some people, like me, may not consider it (to be) as fun. On the contrary, it may be seen as a boring activity and even as an obligation. It is totally different from going jogging, (for example), which can be an energizing, stress-relieving activity. Shopping for leisure can also be the sign of a potential addiction for some people who see it as the only way to circumvent their problems and begin to spend more money than they have.

In conclusion, I believe that shopping as a leisure activity is of no / little (moral / spiritual / social / etc.) value. However, as I mentioned before, we live in a world where people are completely different like chalk and cheese. Thus, we should respect people's choices and tastes. If people feel relaxed and good while shopping, they should do it whenever they want to.
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Você tem um bom domínio do idioma. Algumas notas, contudo:

1) Algumas das obsevações levantadas na dissertação não possuem respaldo científico. Por exemplo:
Many people are enthusiastic about going shopping for a number of different reasons. The most common one is escaping everyday problems and stress.

Se esta informação for verdadeira, é importante que você cite a fonte ou, ao menos, forneça algum tipo de embasamento. Caso esta seja sua opinião, deixe isto claro no texto.

2) É importante manter o texto conciso. Evite passagens extremamente longas, que podem ser estruturadas de maneira sucinta sem perda de significado (como a segunda frase do segundo parágrafo, por exemplo).

3) Algumas ideias não precisam de reforço adicional. Por exemplo:
...we live in a world where people are completely different like chalk and cheese.

Como você deve ter percebido, "completely", por si só, já transmite a ênfase necessária à afirmação. Além do mais, o uso da expressão "like chalk and cheese" pode não ser apropriado em uma dissertação, dada sua natureza informal.

Keep it up!
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Avatar do usuário Ancrispa 2555 8 57
Hi Juliana
Thank you very much for having corrected my essay. I greatly appreciate your help.
I sometimes “get lost” while I am writing. I also have a tendency to write long sentences.
I’ll try to avoid to write repetitive phrases and to be more concise.

Next year I’ll be taking FCE and CAE exams. Thus I desperately need help with my compositions.

I’m happy to can count on your help!
Ana