My name is “Lua”. I’m nineteen years old Brazilian student. I have a high school diploma and I intend to get a degree in journalism (or I want to major in journalism).
I work as a telemarketing attendant. I love my job because I have many friends. We really help each other in our mistakes. I also assist my mother in her grocery store and for me it is important to give her a helping hand there. Now, I’m studying English every day to improve it. As I’m very fond of cooking I love the possibility of learning recipes in English. I can make many types of food, like beans, rice and peas, macaroni with cheese, lasagna, soup and chicken.
In my free time I love reading books, I'm crazy about them, mainly adventure and romance but honestly if a book of a different gender falls into my hands, I’ll be easily engrossed by it. I enjoy going out with my family as well. We usually go to the cinema, parks, restaurants and other interesting places. I was almost forgetting that I love to listen to music and watch series. I frequently watch series with my siblings; we share the same preferences in music, movies and series. We generally buy a dvd movie. Then when we arrive at home everyone sits on the sofa to watch it. It is great fun. My parents are always working, so they don't have time to watch with us.
I already took part in the church choir and it was a delightful experience. When I was in school, I took many physical education classes where I did many physical activities and sports such as basketball, volleyball, handball.
About my children’s experiences I have about 2190 hours of work with them. I worked with children aged between 6 and 12, giving lessons as a tutoring teacher. We played many types of activities.
I taught Portuguese and Mathematics and these subjects are normally the most difficult for children. It was a wonderful year of teaching. I used to go to the school library to borrow some books which helped me to prepare my classes. I used new books with animal pictures and stories for ten-year old and twelve-year old children and these materials developed their educational skills .Besides, I took care of my neighbor’s baby, she regularly left her daughter with me and my sisters because she constantly needed help being alone, it was very cool.
Obsevações: Evite repetições como o uso do advérbio Always.
Procure sinônimos como usually, regularly, constantly...
Preste atenção na construção da frase. Não mude de assunto e depois volte para o mesmo tópico no mesmo paragrafo. Deixa o texto confuso e difícil de entender.
Varie sua linguagem com tempos verbais diferentes...
São só sugestões. Espere por outras opiniões. Parabéns pelo seu texto.
Aqui tem um modelo de redação que talvez possa te ajudar:http://www.aupair2be.com/example-of-dea ... etter.html
Lembre-se que quando aprendemos uma língua, os erros fazem parte do nosso progresso!