Correção para Dimitri: Personal Presentation

Texto original:

Meu nome é Paulo, tenho 38 anos. Sou casado e tenho dois filhos. Nasci e cresci em São paulo.

Sou formado em Administração pela USP e tenho MBA em Gerenciamento de Projetos pela FGV.

Trabalho na AirBrasil desde 2009, onde sou supervisor da área de Pesquisa e Desenvolvimento. AirBrasil é uma das maiores fabricantes de aviões do mundo. O maior feito de nossa equipe foi a redução dos custos na linha de produção de produção em 10%.

A minha meta é produzir a aeronave com o menor consumo de combustível até 2020.

Tradução:

My name is Paulo, I’m 38. I’m married and have two kids. I was born and raised in Sao Paulo.

I have a degree in Business Administration from USP and I have an MBA in project management from FGV.

I work for AirBrasil since 2009 as a Research and Development Supervisor. AirBrasil is one of the largest aircraft manufacturers in the world. Our biggest achievement was the reduction of the production costs by 10%.

My goal is to produce the most fuel-efficient airplane until 2020.

Mais Votada Mais Votada

Avatar do usuário Judy Friedkin 630 2 17
Yes, It is quite good. However, if this is for formal writing, I would not use "kids" but children. Also the last line is awkward. I would say My goal is to produce the most fuel efficient airplane for at least the next four years or until at least 2020. I find the whole idea of the last sentence strange. Does he mean his goal is to produce the most fuel efficient airplane within 4 years or by 2020? I see he used até but I can't imagine saying something like that in English. Maybe, I am going to produce the most fuel efficient airplane of any that exists today. I don't know but It seems very odd in English.
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Avatar do usuário Donay Mendonça 49075 21 73 1138
Sugestões de correção:

My name is Paulo, I’m 38. I’m married and have two children. I was born and raised in Sao Paulo.

I have a degree in Business Administration from USP and I have an MBA in project management from FGV.

I have worked ou I have been working for AirBrasil since 2009 as a Research and Development Supervisor. AirBrasil is one of the largest aircraft manufacturers in the world. Our greatest achievement was a reduction of production costs by 10%.

My goal is to produce the most fuel-efficient airplane until 2020.


Comentários adicionais:

- "Children" é uma opção mais adequada do que "kids" para este tipo de contexto (mais formal).
- Para dizer que "trabalha há xx tempo", deve-se usar "have/has worked" ou "have/has been working".
- Palavras como "great", "real" e "remarkable" combinam melhor com "achievement" do que "big".
- Para uma pessoa que está lendo o texto pela primeira vez, "a" (indefinido) é mais natural do que "the" (definido, já conhecido) em "a reduction".
- Soa mais natural, a meu ver, não usar o artigo "the" em "reduction of production costs".

Bons estudos.
Avatar do usuário Telma Regina 22725 9 58 570
Complementando:

My name is Paulo (add surname), I’m 38. I’m married and have two children (Note: kids is a slang, try and using in Business English). I was born and raised in Sao Paulo.

I have a degree in Business Administration (USP - University of São Paulo) and a MBA in Project Management (FGV - Fundação Getulio Vargas).

I work for AirBrasil, since 2009, as a Research and Development Supervisor. AirBrasil is one of the largest aircraft manufacturers in the world. Our best (avoid using biggest, use other words, such as best, largest) achievement was the 10% reduction of production costs.

My goal is to try to assist (beware of false or impossible promises) producing the most fuel-efficient airplane by 2020.

Best Regards,

Paulo
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39185 6 32 684
As your final paragraph mentioned "Our biggest achievement was the reduction of production costs by 10%." why not let the following information go togheter? So it could be reworded as the following:

Our biggest achievement was the reduction of the production costs by 10%. Now our goal is to produce the most fuel-efficient airplane until 2020. That is also a personal goal for me.

By stating that "my goal..." may strike the reader as you don´t being inclined to teamwork, and have that feeling of self aggrandizement, even megalomania.
We know that is not that case, I know for my self because I studied management (granted, the basics, and it´s about planning, dealing with people and such), but what happens is that the choice of words can make the right or wrong effect, that is a fact.
Congratulations on your piece of text and for being brave enough to submit, and now you have an alternative way to express that information.
You are a promising learner and writer here, keep up the good work! By the way, only someone from intermediate level or higher could spot something to correct in your writing, no basic mistakes.
Avatar do usuário brasimericano 855 1 2 23
My name is Paulo and I’m 38. (a comma doesn't work here since "I'm married" is its own sentence). I’m married and have two kids. I was born and raised in Sao Paulo.

I have a degree in Business Administration from USP and I have an MBA in project management from FGV.

I have worked for AirBrasil since 2009 as a Research and Development Supervisor. AirBrasil is one of the largest aircraft manufacturers in the world. Our biggest achievement was the reduction of (remove the) production costs by 10%. (Or "reducing production costs")

My goal is to produce the most fuel-efficient airplane (use by instead of until) 2020.

Everything else looks great!
Muito obrigado a todos pelas colaborações. Vejam a versão que fiz a partir das correções enviadas.

My name is Paulo Barbosa and I’m 38. I’m married and have two children. I was born and raised in Sao Paulo.

I have a degree in Business Administration from USP (University of São Paulo) and I have an MBA in Project Management from FGV (Fundação Getulio Vargas).

I have been working for AirBrasil since 2009 as a Research and Development Supervisor. AirBrasil is one of the largest aircraft manufacturers in the world. Our greatest achievement was a reduction of production costs by 10%.

Our goal is to produce the most fuel-efficient airplane within 4 years.


O que acharam?
Avatar do usuário Donay Mendonça 49075 21 73 1138
Está ótimo. Eu não mudaria nada.