Well, I am going to post my views. Since I just had made a rough draft/redoing.
Thomas was spotless, state-of-the-art thing, and I know mine is far from perfect (and it wasn´t supposed to be, it was just to give you (Ana) some guidelines to go by).
Thus, you consider mine as if it was posted before, and Thomas had proofread it. This guy is a maestro! I am proud that I got close to his reasoning in some parts of the text (you can compare the two pieces and see how his is an improvement!).
Well, I leaving that here just for you seeing the reasoning (and my problable mistakes, ha ha ha
In fact, mine wasn´t even a piece of text, but a collage of sorts.
Glad tha you shared your piece with us, it was an exercise to me as well.
Thank you very much for your letter. I am writing to let you know that I really appreciate your offer to help me during my stay in England.
I’ve always wanted to go to England to improve my English, but right now I’ll be able to fulfill my dream. There are many (exciting) things which I would like to do while being in the land of (her Majesty) the Queen. [I added “Her Majesty” not to be confused with the Band "Queen".]
I think first, I am going to get a *paid part-time job, so that I can cover the costs of my staying there. Please can I ask you one favour more? I am badly in need of some advice on how to write a CV in English.
I was wondering **if you could give me some advice on how to write a CV in English.
*paying if it´s you that is paying to work, the construction would do if you had something specifying the “paying”, examples: “Six of the best paying part-time jobs./25 high-paying part-time jobs.
“if”, instead of “with” [I was wondering is more formal than “Please can I ask...anyway, you could use it, should this be this your first letter to her.]
After getting a job, I want/I plan etc... to study English in a language school. May I ask you one more favour? [or could I bother you to indicate me a good and reliable
At this juncture, perhaps you could already go straight to the point. “I will need another big favour of yours. Do you know some good and reliable English school on the neighbourhood? Please, let me know.
Please, indicating to me a good and trustable language school, I would be grateful to you for your help.
I wonder if would mind like to ask you one more favour.
[I wonder if you would do a favour...is a more formal way to ask something, whereas mixing
''I wonder'' and ''mind'' in the same sentence seems like redundant to me. ]
During weekends, I will be greatly happy if I can do some sightseeing. I hope to make many friends there, so I am going to know the city and experience a different culture, it will be an exciting experience.
I know it’s a lot to ask but could you help me with all that things?
(Yeah, it´s a lot to ask, you are saying that you will be a clingy, totally dependent and intrusive friend, she might or might not work, have a life out there! Sometime you will have to fend for yourself. Or not, but you don´t say that first thing!)
[at this point, you “wonder too much”, chances are that your reader get bored, don´t let it happen. Your letter is supposed to be engaging.]
Anyway, I’d like to meet you when I get in London. I am eagerly waiting for the day of my departure. Well, that’s all for now. ***Do write back as I’m waiting for the news from you.
*** Looks like a letter to a relative that is abroad, or to a relative and you are the one abroad.
Well, from my p.o.v. (point of view).
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
Less formal: Cheers!/ Take care!/Til next time. (of course, if it´s not the first letter to your friend, or that she is already of your clique somehow.) http://www.wikihow.com/End-a-Letter