Correção de Texto Essay CsF

Hello there, I am writting the necessary essays to the Common Application Platform for the CsF program and I want some help. This is the first text I need to review. I finished it now so I'm sleepy and don't want to write more today, so I will reply tomorrow...

In an essay of no less than 250 words and no more than 500 words, write a clear and detailed description of your study objectives. Be specific about your field of study and your specialized interests within this field.

I am fifth semester student in Computer Science at Center of Informatics (CIn) at Federal University of Pernambuco (Universidade Federal de Pernambuco – UFPE). The center is well known all over Brazil as an excellence center, with several students interning in enterprises around the world and it has won many Programming Contests, but there is no big deepening in my areas of interest. The center gave me the opportunity to get a general vision over various areas of computing and I got particularly interested in information security, databases and infrastructure communications.

My major focus is related to databases security, which includes two of my areas of interest and with great importance to the society. Today we have the so called Internet of Things (IoT) and Cloud Computing leading the future of the internet to both nano levels and distributed services with compound data from many enterprises, respectively. Therefore, there is a vast undiscovered area, which includes, above all, people. These people are unprotected crowd that do not know anything that happen to their data over the internet. Then I want to study these kind of fields and get the necessary experience to help in some way the world or at least a part of it.

My minor, but not less important field of study is connected to the new technology of data transfer and new internet protocols and constitutes a big interest. The world is expanding even more every day, with new connections, new devices and the fact the internet never stopped to grow opened doors for new technologies of communication as 5g that is still crawling, NFC, pCell wireless, wireless energy transfer and all the “Smart Things” that compose the IoT. Moreover, I do not want to create a new technology (maybe in the future) but help the wireless transition we are going to have soon avoiding its issues.

However, my university does not offer the needed support to most of my fields of interest and being able to develop the specified abilities is one lock less to open in my path. Learning about the culture in United States will be great for my inner evolution, because I consider myself a bit dependent from my family, while mastering a new language will be useful for my academic cause. On my return, I would be able to share my experiences with other researchers in my center or even create something useful with help from the professors on my area. All these guidelines will certainly be a part graduation experience for the rest of my life.
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Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
I am a fifth semester student of Computer Science at Center of Informatics (CIn) at Federal University of Pernambuco (Universidade Federal de Pernambuco – UFPE). The center is well known all over Brazil as an excellence center. It runs several educational programs around, offering internship in those universities, earning credits to/in our own university.

[1]In fact, It has won many national national excellence awards, but studying in an university abroad will be a plus, it will bring a whole new range of techniques and strategies, along with goal-oriented practices that would enhance the quality of my learning to new heights.
I have had the opportunity to get a general vision on the several areas of computing and I got particularly interested in information security, databases and infrastructure communications.


[1]In fact you should be proud of your education and the learning you are having, the English you show proves that. So, putting the finger in its drawbacks, if any. Plus, doing that, you are almost contradicting yourself, you just have praised it! Focus instead on your education, in the improvement/upgrade you wish. You even can point out pitfalls, but try not be so direct, aka,

My major focus is related to database security, which includes two of my areas of interest that are of great importance to the society. Today we have the so-called Internet of Things (IoT) and Cloud Computing leading the future of the internet to both nano levels and distributed services with compound data from many enterprises (?) (couldn´t be applicatives/gadgets (?), respectively.
Therefore, there is a vast undiscovered area, which includes, above all, people. These people are unprotected crowd that do not know anything that happen to their data on the Internet. Then I want (need(?)) to study these kind of fields and get the necessary experience to help in some way the world or at least a part of it.

My secondary/other, but not less important field of study is connected to the new technology of data transfer and new internet protocols and constitutes a big interest. The world is expanding even more every day, with new connections, new devices and the fact the internet never stopped to grow, opened doors for new technologies of communication as 5g that is still crawling, NFC, pCell wireless, wireless energy transfer and all the “Smart Things” that compose the IoT. Moreover, I do not want to create a new technology (maybe in the future) but help the wireless transition we are going soon to have, avoiding its issues.

However, my university [2] not being able to/can´t offer the needed support to most of my fields of interest and ( ) develop the specified abilities, so being granted that opportunity will be one more door opened in the path of my career. Learning about the culture in (the) United States will be great for my own experience, and certainly will
increase my independence and maturity, since I consider myself a bit dependent from my family.
That´s more, while mastering a new language will advantageus to my academic skills. On my return, I will be able to share my experiences with other researchers in my center or even create some brand news in the field, with the help of professors on my area. All these guidelines will certainly be a part graduation experience for the rest of my life.



Regard that, as a rough draft. Certainly that will be much to be changed, I´ll leave it to others members of the Forum.
I must say that it has only superficial changins and rearrangings of some parts. I, in fact, gave just a passing reading and revising.


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-I like the fact you talked about yourself, expectations and purpose of intent, wich may be what [i]I assume that CsF (SWF) requires as well.
-On the other hand, you will need some improving in critical thinking, developmental skills. The content is there, you just have to polish the diamong a bit.
-Be aware of the organization of the text, use of neaty paragraphs, interlinking of ideas, the transitions from an idea to the other, the audience.
-Always create a title for your text, prefferably one that sums up what you have written. That, in turn, will be consistent with the prompt. [/i]
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
-To me, it sounds like the CsF is a bit similar to the personal statements, statement of purposes, letters of intent that candidates that aspire to graduate at some given university. So, with these key words you can search and get some good tips.


See you around.
Hello, thanks for the tips, I'll try to reorder and rearrange the sections of my text and post again here!
Hello again Paulo, I made some changes with your advices and added a new paragraph, I hope this time the writting is at least better haha. The limit is 500 words, and my text is on the limit ;x


I am a fifth semester student of Computer Science at Center of Informatics (CIn) at Federal University of Pernambuco (Universidade Federal de Pernambuco – UFPE). The center is well known all over Brazil as an excellence center. In fact, it has won many national excellence awards, but studying in a university abroad will be a plus, it will bring a whole new range of techniques and strategies, along with goal-oriented practices that would enhance the quality of my learning to new heights. I have had the opportunity to get a general vision on the several areas of computing and I got particularly interested in information security, software developing and infrastructure communications.
My major focus is related to data security, which includes two of my areas of interest that are of great importance to the society. Today we have the so-called Internet of Things (IoT) and Cloud Computing leading the future of the internet. Therefore, there is a vast undiscovered area, which includes, above all, people. These people are unprotected crowd that do not know anything that happen to their data on the internet which is often leaked through invasions. Then I need to study these kind of fields and get the necessary experience to improve the security over data.
I have also a big interest in software developing, especially in apps and web environments. On my day-to-day, I see unknown people doing apps, a new website or something else that may have their name spread all over the world. In the very beginning of my degree, I was stimulated by having practical programming classes, but now on fifth semester we have more theoretical subjects, which I personally do not like much. I am currently Teacher Assistant in Statistics for Computing teaching and developing the R programming language and developing an app for Android while learning to program it by myself.
My other, but not less important field of study liked to data transfer and internet protocols. On the third semester of my course I built a chat system that can connected two or more remote computers, with my colleagues as a project for Communication Infrastructure. Later on the fourth semester, I become TA in the same subject, supporting the students and deepening my knowledge in networks. This fact grew my interest in this field especially for the new rapid network protocols as 5G, pCells and other technologies that will be introduced in the near future.
Therefore, my university does not offer the needed support to most of my fields of interest and being able to develop the specified abilities is a shortening in my path. Learning about the culture the United States will be great for my inner evolution, because I consider myself a bit dependent from my family, while mastering a new language will be useful for my academic cause. On my return, I would be able to share my experiences with other researchers in my center or even create something useful with help from the professors of my area.
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
I am a fifth semester student of Computer Science at Center of Informatics (CIn) at Federal University of Pernambuco (Universidade Federal de Pernambuco – UFPE). The center is well known all over Brazil as an excellence center. In fact, it has won many national excellence awards, but studying in a university abroad will be a plus, it will bring a whole new range of techniques and strategies, along with goal-oriented practices that would enhance the quality of my learning to new heights.
I have had the opportunity to get a general vision on the several areas of computing and I got particularly interested in information security, software developing and infrastructure communications.My major focus is related to data security, which includes two of my areas of interest that are of great importance to the [1] society. Today we have the so-called Internet of Things (IoT) and Cloud Computing leading the future of the Internet [capital "I"][2] Therefore, there is a vast undiscovered [3] area, which includes, above all, people. These people are an/the [4] unprotected crowd that do not know anything that happen to their data on the Internet [5] which is often leaked through invasions. Then I need to study these kind of fields and get the necessary experience to improve the security over data.I have also a big interest in software developing, especially in apps and Web [5.b] environments. On my day-to-day work [6], I see unknown people doing apps, a new website or something else that may have their name spread all over the world. In the very beginning of my [7] graduate studies, I was stimulated by having practical programming classes, but now [8]in the fifth semester we have more theoretical subjects, which I personally do not like much.
I am currently a [9] Teacher Assistant in Statistics for Computing teaching and developing the R programming language and developing an app for Android while learning to program it by myself. My other, but not less important field of study liked to data transfer and internet protocols. In the third semester of my course I built a chat system that can connect two or more remote computers, with my colleagues as a project for Communication Infrastructure. Later,on the fourth semester I became a TA on the same subject, supporting the students and deepening my knowledge in the/about networks.
[*]This piqued my interest in this field, especially for the new rapid network protocols as 5G, pCells and other technologies that will be introduced in the near future. Therefore, my university can´t [11] offer the needed support to most of my fields of interest and being able to develop the specified abilities is a shortening in my path.
Learning about the culture of the United States and within it/immersed in it will be great stride for my inner evolution, because[12] I consider myself a bit dependent from my family.
Mastering a new language will be useful for my academic cause. On my return, I would be able to share my experiences with other researchers in my center or even create something useful with help of the professors of my area.


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Comments.

[1] It was my fault, but then corrected here, "society" was mentioned in general. It seems like it have been in vogue in abstracts, thesis, etc. Grammarly it´s worth it noticing that in a general way we don´t use usually "the'' before a noun.
Anyway I will leave it just a comment of sorts, that is, I will leave it as "optional" (since there are some achademical works that didn´t leave it). Perhaps they leave it because it´s implicity which society is, ours, certainly.

[2]Perhaps "unexplored" would be a better word, but "undiscovered'"will do, for the time being.
[4]Notice the "an unprotected", it´s "an" not "a", here just a grammar point. I had overlooked that before in my own proofreading of the text.
[5] & [5.b] Same observation pointed out in [2] Internet and Web, have their first letter capitalized.
[6] Day-to-day, means "diário" but it have to a complement of sorts, "day-to-day work, lives, reality., experience...etc."
[7]Instead of "degree", you could also use '"in the very beggining of the/my course"
[8]IN the first/second/third...semester, IN the first year, etc.
[9]The usual is "a" before professions.
[10] can connected - verbs in the present and past forms, they disagree more than a couple in year-itch spat...
[11] To me, it might give the impression that the university was to blame, could be that the university had not just made the necessary effort....had not the interest., etc!
[12]I would use "since" instead of "because".
[13]Help of ("from" generally means "origin" -Where are you from?, "where something starts " -from A to B, distance away "Cabedelo is about 21 kilometers from Joao Pessoa city." among others senses. But after HELP you use OF.
[*]Also "this was instrumental/a great influence to pique my interest..."
A detail after the revision, that´s why the [*] instead of a number, this way it don´t mess with the cronological order.
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
Your text improved a lot, you need to develop critical thinking and work on some grammatical topics, namely, preposition usage (IN, ON, etc - prepositions of time)

Don´t mind my nitpicking, don´t sweat it. I am a bit of a frigging perfectionist sometimes. ;)
But again, you did better. You gave some thought to writting work and learn in the process, it´s what counts!
Thank you for all the support you gave me. I've learned how to improve my texts in some way and I think I can handle the "wrong" parts and give my last effort into writting this hahah. I need to upload the text today, so I will only review it and send it.

I know you're perfectionist haha most times this is awesome to stimulate people like me, a kinda lazy :p
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
You all fellow learners of EE, CsF, and others are welcome, it´s my pleasure to help someone out. It´s a pity that I am swamped with work and things to do, trying to keep my head above water!

Sometimes I am a lazybone as well, don´t sweat it much, provided that you catch up with the work (studying) afterwards.

In fact, I am aware that in the future you or others will be helped with those tips, so even if you wouldn´t take advantage of it now, you could learn in the future.
Or others as well.
Like they say, "it´s not what we teach it´s what they learn" and that question of theirs "if a tree falls in a forest and there´s no one to hear, does it still make a sound?" Yes, I think so, same thing to sharing knowledge.
It may be that many don´t see, that I don´t see the end results, but then many others will inwardly think "it worked!"
MENSAGEM PATROCINADA Há quanto tempo você estuda inglês? Já passou por sua cabeça que você pode estar estudando de uma forma que dá pouco ou quase nenhum resultado? Que tal fazer um intensivo de inglês de 180 dias e recuperar o tempo perdido? Em 6 meses você pode elevar o seu inglês a um novo patamar.

Clique aqui para conhecer o curso!