Correção de essays para programa CSF 2014.2

Galera, estou me aplicando no CSF, gostaria de uma opinião de vcs sobre as minha essays! Obrigado!

Study Objectives: In an essay of no less than 250 words and no more than 500 words, write a clear and detailed description of your study objectives. Be specific about your field of study and your specialized interests within this field.

My mother always told me that I was very creative and had a very particular interest on computers and general technology. I grew up with an extended access to computer and electronic resources and soon began to accept the love for science and engineering.

I study Electronic Engineering at the Federal University of Bahia and my main subject of interest is HPC (High Performance Computing), Supercomputing solutions, and its applications on 3D Rendering and CAE. I always dreamed of learning how to develop electronic devices and computational hardware to assist gamers, video makers, engineers and everyone that needs extreme processing performance. There is no better place to learn how to develop these kinds of technologies rather than the USA, especially in California.

Over the past 5 years I began to do some real work in the field of 3D design, video production, CAD, CAE, CAM, photo-realistic rendering and built more than 60 High-End computer machines in the last 2 years. I attended as a speaker and guest consultant on a variety of advanced computer technology events for example: Eletrolar 2012 & 2013 (the largest consumer electronics show for the industry and retail of Latin America); Handyshow 2009 to 2013 (the biggest computer technology event on north and northeast), BGS (Brazil Game Show). I generally speak about high performance devices and new technologies like CUDA from NVidia and multi-processors compact super machines. I have a special line of High-End computers with my online gaming nickname called ArTTech that will soon be on Brazil’s stores. I am coach and consultant for high frequency solid-state memories developed by Kingston and I am Captain of a Formula SAE team (Kamikaze Racing Team) on my university UFBA (Federal University of Bahia) in which I have developed a telemetry solution based on computer technology provided by Intel and Fueltech, my current sponsors.

Intelligent devices, computer-aided tasks, and human-machine interfaces are also fields of study I am interested in learn and develop with US students. The importance of human-machine integration is decisive to extend our limited biological capabilities. The future holds not just multi-core cellphones, but a combination between biological and computer “architectures”, and this may define people’s lives in the near future.

Perspectives in the U.S.: In an essay of no less than 250 words and no more than 500 words, explain the unique perspectives you hope to gain in the U.S. and how you intend to use these skills, knowledge and experience upon your return to your home country.

The vanguard of advanced computer technologies development is the United States. Universities have the particular honor of serving as incubators for the phrase: “Have an idea, launch a startup, and change the world”. In the last years, business “accelerators” at UCLA, USC, Loyola Marymount University, Cal State Fullerton, UC Irvine and Cal State Northridge had an important part on motivating innovation, research and entrepreneurship.

Earn the ability to design and build electronic interfaces/devices to make things easier, accessible and safer is an important deed in a world that technology changes so fast. The enhancement of my knowledge, the additional cultural background, the opportunity to study electronic/computer engineering on a high level university and participate in internship on a computer technology company like Intel, Nvidia, ASUS, Corsair, Pixar or Kingston are my main objectives. Meet new people, exchange habits and philosophies and learn from another culture its way of life. Study in the United States would not only be an opportunity to grow up as student, but as a human being.

As Captain of the Formula SAE team and permitted access to several PhD restricted laboratories on my university (Federal University of Bahia), I had the stimulation to get closer to the academic life and its high “curiosity” environment. The Science Without Borders program is the gate to participate of a whole new level of education and science development. Studying in a high-level university in the USA is going to give me an especial perspective/insight of how ideas grow beyond the education scenario; that is exactly what I want to bring to Brazil.

The inferences above said, guide my dreams and goals on my mid-term achievements. I would love to be part of a research team and work with others to achieve a common goal through collaboration. Study in the US would not only be an opportunity to further learn and improve my knowledge, but it would be a dream come true.

I unequivocally place confidence that this exchange experience will support me to become a sharpened electrical engineer and a more mature person. Upon my return to Brazil, I wish to share my earned knowledge and skill with my colleagues. During the time in U.S.A., I will add everything to my endeavor hoping to show a bit of Brazil to the U.S. Universities and thus cooperate to science and culture reciprocation.

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Avatar do usuário Telma Regina 22725 9 58 570
I've worked on DHST's text and added some more corrections:

I was always told that I was very creative and had a very particular interest in computers and general technology. I grew up with an extended access to computer and electronic resources and soon began to accept the love for science and engineering.

I study Electronic Engineering at the Federal University of Bahia (UFBA) and my main subject of interest is HPC (High Performance Computing), Supercomputing solutions, and its applications in 3D Rendering and CAE. I’ve always dreamed of learning how to develop electronic devices and computational hardware to assist gamers, video makers, engineers and everyone who needs extreme processing performance. I think there is no better place to learn how to develop these kinds of technologies than in the USA, especially in* California.

Over the past 5 years, I began to do some real work in the field of 3D design, video production, CAD, CAE, CAM (be consistent explain all abbreviations/mnemonics at least once in the text), photo-realistic rendering and built more than 60 High-End computer machines in the last 2 years. I was a speaker and guest consultant at a variety of advanced computer technology events, for example, Eletrolar 2012 & 2013 (the largest industry and retail consumer electronics show/fair/exhibition/congress in Latin America); Handyshow 2009 to 2013 (the largest computer technology event in the North and Northeast of Brazil), BGS (Brazil Game Show). I generally speak/talk about high performance devices and new technologies like CUDA (?) from NVidia and multi-processors compact super machines. I have a special line of High-End computers with my online gaming nickname called ArTTech that will soon be available in Brazil’s stores. I am a coach and consultant for high frequency solid-state memories developed by Kingston and I am the Captain of the Formula SAE team (Kamikaze Racing Team) at UFBA where I have developed a telemetry solution based on computer technology provided by Intel and Fueltech, my current sponsors.

Intelligent devices, computer-aided tasks, and human-machine interfaces are also fields of study which I am interested in pursuing and developing with US students (or American students). The importance of human-machine integration is decisive to extend our limited biological capabilities. The future holds not only multi-core cellphones, but also a combination between biological and computer “architectures”, and this may define people’s lives in the near future. (I think you mean Nanotechnology really…)

Parte 2

The vanguard of advanced computer technologies development is the United States. Universities have the particular honour of serving as incubators for the phrase: “Have an idea, launch a startup, and change the world”. Over the last few years, business “accelerators” at UCLA, USC, Loyola Marymount University, Cal State Fullerton, UC Irvine and Cal State Northridge played an important role in motivating innovation, research and entrepreneurship.

Earning the ability to design and build electronic interfaces/devices to make things easier, accessible and safer is an important deed (or achievement) in a world where technology changes so fast. The enhancement of my knowledge, the additional cultural background, the opportunity to study electronic/computer engineering at a high level university and participate in an internship on a computer technology company like Intel, Nvidia, ASUS, Corsair, Pixar or Kingston are my main objectives. Also, meeting new people,sharing experiences and philosophies and learning from the ways of life of another culture. Studying in the United States would not only be an opportunity to grow as student, but also as a human being.

As Captain of the Formula SAE team I was allowed access to several PhD restricted laboratories at the Federal University of Bahia, and for this reason I had the stimulation to get closer to the academic life and its high “curiosity” environment. The Science Without Borders program is the gateway to participate in a whole new level of education and science development. Studying at a high-level university in the USA is going to give me a special perspective on (or insight into) how ideas grow beyond the education scenario; that (or this) is exactly what I want to bring to Brazil.

The *inferences (?) above are guiding my dreams and goals into (our towards) my mid-term achievements. I would love to be part of a research team and work with others to achieve a common goal through collaboration. Studying in the US would not only be an opportunity to continue learning and improve my knowledge, but it would also be a dream come true.
I unequivocally (?) place confidence that this exchange experience will support me to become a sharpened (?) electrical engineer and a more mature person. Upon my return to Brazil, I hope (or hope to be able) to share my gained knowledge and skills with my colleagues. During the time in U.S.A., I will add everything to my endeavor hoping to show some of the expertise from Brazil to the U.S. Universities and, thus, cooperate with science and culture reciprocation.

*The words marked in the last paragraph should be changed, as I don't know what you really mean. My tip is try simplify the phrases and not overcomplicate things.
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Avatar do usuário DHST 675 1 2 12
Não tenho cacife para esse tipo de correção. Seria necessário ajuda profissional para isso. Porém, abaixo vai algumas sugestões de correção que podem estar certas, parcialmente certas ou completamente erradas. Os asteriscos talvez sejam termos opcionais.

Parte 1

My mother always told me that* I was very creative (ou a very creative young boy) and had a very particular interest in computers and general technology. I grew up with an extended access to computer and electronic resources and soon began to accept the love for science and engineering.
I study Electronic Engineering at the Federal University of Bahia (UFBA) and my main subject of interest is HPC (High Performance Computing), Supercomputing solutions, and its applications in 3D Rendering and CAE. I’ve always dreamed of learning how to develop electronic devices and computational hardware to assist gamers, video makers, engineers and everyone who needs extreme processing performance. There is no better place to learn how to develop these kinds of* technologies than the USA, especially in* California.
Over the past 5 years, I began to do some real work (aviso: frase talvez muito informal) in the field of 3D design, video production, CAD, CAE, CAM, photo-realistic rendering and built more than 60 High-End computer machines in the last 2 years. I attended as a speaker and guest consultant a variety of advanced computer technology events, for example, Eletrolar 2012 & 2013 (the largest consumer electronics show for the industry and retail of Latin America); Handyshow 2009 to 2013 (the biggest computer technology event in North and Northeast of Brazil), BGS (Brazil Game Show). I generally speak about high performance devices and new technologies like CUDA from NVidia and multi-processors compact super machines. I have a special line of High-End computers with my online gaming nickname called ArTTech that will soon be in Brazil’s stores. I am a coach and consultant for high frequency solid-state memories developed by Kingston and I am the Captain of the Formula SAE team (Kamikaze Racing Team) at UFBA where I have developed a telemetry solution based on computer technology provided by Intel and Fueltech, my current sponsors.
Intelligent devices, computer-aided tasks, and human-machine interfaces are also fields of study which I am interested in learning and developing with US students (ou American students). The importance of human-machine integration is decisive to extend our limited biological capabilities. The future holds not only multi-core cellphones, but also a combination between biological and computer “architectures”, and this may define people’s lives in the near future.

Parte 2

The vanguard of advanced computer technologies development is the United States. Universities have the particular honor of serving as incubators for the phrase: “Have an idea, launch a startup, and change the world”. Over the last few years, business “accelerators” at UCLA, USC, Loyola Marymount University, Cal State Fullerton, UC Irvine and Cal State Northridge played an important role in motivating innovation, research and entrepreneurship. 
Earning the ability to design and build electronic interfaces/devices to make things easier, accessible and safer is an important deed (or achievement) in a world where technology changes so fast. The enhancement of my knowledge, the additional cultural background, the opportunity to study electronic/computer engineering at a high level university and participate in an internship on a computer technology company like Intel, Nvidia, ASUS, Corsair, Pixar or Kingston are my main objectives. Meeting new people, sharing experiences and philosophies and learning from the ways of life of another culture. Studying in the United States would not only be an opportunity to grow as student, but also as a human being. 
As Captain of the Formula SAE team I was permitted to access several PhD restricted laboratories at Federal University of Bahia, for this reason I had the stimulation to get closer to the academic life and its high “curiosity” environment. The Science Without Borders program is the gate to participate in a whole new level of education and science development. Studying at a high-level university in the USA is going to give me an especial perspective on (ou insight into) how ideas grow beyond the education scenario; that (ou this) is exactly what I want to bring to Brazil.
The inferences above are guiding my dreams and goals into (ou towards) my mid-term achievements. I would love to be part of a research team and work with others to achieve a common goal through collaboration. Studying in the US would not only be an opportunity to further learn and improve my knowledge, but it would also be a dream come true.
I unequivocally place confidence that this exchange experience will support me to become a sharpened electrical engineer and a more mature person. Upon my return to Brazil, I would like (ou want) to share my gained knowledge and skills with my colleagues. During the time in U.S.A., I will add everything to my endeavor hoping to show a bit of Brazil to the U.S. Universities and thus cooperate with (ou on ou in) science and culture reciprocation.
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39165 6 32 684
The world count was at 373 words as it originally was, at least wasn´t less than 250.
Here my first impressions, from a cursory reading and in passing. So, subject to fine-tuning. All comments to polish it are welcome. ;)
You have to compare your version against mine, perhaps to print them or read the paragraphs side by side.
So, let´s go give it a stab!

My mother always told me that I was very creative and had a very particular interest on computers and general technology. I grew up with an extended access to computer and electronic resources and soon began to accept the love for science and engineering.

I would leave your mom out of it, it may (or may not) think that you are kinda immature and stuck to your mom, clutching her skirt´s hem .

I would redo it to:
I always was told that I am very creative and I do have a very particular interest on computers and general technology. Or... "that I am very good at computers and general technology" (which would be two different statements)
=============================================================

I grew up with constant access to computer and electronic resources and soon began to love science and engineering.

Currently , I am studying Electronic Engineering at the Federal University of Bahia and my main subject of interest are HPC (High Performance Computing), super-computing solutions, and its applications on 3D Rendering and CAE.
I always dreamed of learning how to develop electronic devices and computational hardware to assist gamers, video makers, engineers and everyone that needs extreme processing performance. There is no better place to learn how to develop these kinds of technologies than in the USA, especially in California.

In the last 5 years I began to do some real work in the field of 3D design, video production, CAD, CAE, CAM, photo-realistic rendering and built more than 60 high-end computer machines over the last 2 years.
I attended as a speaker and guest consultant a variety of advanced computer technology events/workshops. To cite a few: Eletrolar 2012 & 2013 (the largest consumer electronics show for the industry and retail of Latin America); Handyshow 2009 to 2013 (the biggest computer technology event in the north and northeast regions of Brazil), BGS (Brazil Game Show). More often than not, I have worked with high performance devices and new technologies like CUDA from NVidia and multi-processors compact super machines. I have a special line of High-End computers with my online gaming nickname called ArTTech that will soon be coming to Brazil’s stores.
I am also a coach and consultant for high frequency solid-state memories, the ones developed by Kingston. I am the captain of a Formula SAE team (Kamikaze Racing Team) on my university UFBA (Federal University of Bahia) in which I have developed a telemetry solution based on computer technology, provided by Intel and Fueltech, my current sponsors.

[perhaps, there´s not a link between the fact of being the captain of the race team and the solution you found, maybe the link is the "telemetry" (I think), perhaps would be a good idea to stablish the link by
tinkering that part of the text ]

Artificial Intelligent devices, computer-aided tasks, and human-machine interfaces are also fields of study I am interested to learn and develop with US students. Given its importance to extend our limited biological capabilities. The future holds not just multi-core cellphones, but a combination between biological and computer “architectures”, and this may define people’s lives in the near future.