Correção Essay para programa Ciências sem Fronteiras [2]

E ai galera? Trouxe aqui o outro texto. è pra dizer quais universidades eu gostaria de me candidatar e o porquê, tem que ser um texto bem pequeno mesmo.

To choose my preferences of institutions, I used as the main point the similarity of the disciplines with those on my university. The University of Wisconsin - Madison is my first choice because it has a very similar study program with the one of my university, and research groups in the field of study that currently research. Another reason is that I assist a professor on his research and he obtained his PhD there, he recommended this university because, on his view, it has the profile that I am looking for. The University of Wisconsin-Madison also has a lot of courses about Power and Energy Systems, my favorite field in electrical engineering.
My second choice is the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. This university has been in collaboration agreement with my university, which means that the courses that I take there will be added to my academic transcript in my university. The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign also has several laboratories for practical classes that do not exist in my university and would be very useful for my learning to have contact with such equipment. This university has a research program similar to the one I develop on my university. This contact could help a lot to advance my research when I come back.
The Ohio State University is my third option, this university also has a filiation with my university many years and so it is a good option. This university has a research program about Renewable Energy and I think this a fascinating topic.
Yours Faithfully,
Guilherme Dantas de Freitas

Valeu galera

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2 respostas
Telma Regina 9 61 592
Guilherme, again, I managed to get the help of a specialist in the area to correct and improve your text:

I decided to choose my preferred institutions according to the similarity of the disciplines to those of my course and University. The University of Wisconsin-Madison is my first/favourite choice because its study and research program, and field of study for research groups are very similar to my current one. Another reason is that the professor who I assisted with his research also recommended it, as he did his PhD there, and according to him, it has the profile I'm looking for. This University has many courses on Power and Energy Systems, which is my favourite field in Electrical Engineering.

My second choice is University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign. It has a colaborative agreement with my University, which means that the courses taken will be added to my academic transcript. It has several laboratories for practical classes that do not exist in my University (or my University does not) and it would be very useful to use such specialist equipment. All this combined, along with hardwork and thought, could facilitate advancement in my research.

The Ohio State University is my third option. It has also been afilliated with my University for many years. It has a research program about Renewable Energy, a subject that I find fascinating.

Note from the specialist: "Having worked in Universities for almost 18 years, I know that no University has infinite funds or availability (resources or specialist people) to be leaders in everything. Hence, they specilize in subjects and departments, along with facilities. So think carefully of all the factors involved in your choices, including the supporting facilities, town or city, and try not to come across as, adversely, criticising the other Universities".
PPAULO 6 46 1.1k
Well noticed indeed.
Guilherme, please don´t compare your university with others in negative aspects. By saying "for practical classes that do not exist in my university" you are doing such a thing,it´s a no no in essays/compositions etc.
Maybe you could minimise that, saying "...which I don´t have currently in my university" or something like that. Or you could tell them that you don´t have such classes.
That way, you gave the impression that the Dean/the University Headmaster or whoever manages it, is at fault. Perhaps lacked interest on his part, or maybe it wasn´t in the best interests of the Engineer Department? it may sounds like a complaint of sorts in academical texts.
Try to minimise the negative facts or see the positive impact of having new and bigger infrastructure, classes, buildings, etc.
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