Correção de redação em inglês para o TOEFL

Gostaria da correção dessa redação, se puderem atribuem uma nota de 0 a 10.

If you could study a subject that you have never had the opportunity to study,
what would you choose? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and
details.

Presently, with the preoccupation about greenhouse effect, the concept that need be applied is the sustainable development. It is manner of development which reduces the degradation of nature. Because of this I would study about environment.
A reason for I choose environment is the growth of population around the world. With more people, the consumption of food, the use of energy, and many other things will be increase. For support the demand, it is need a sustainable development of environmental resources, because many of these resources are limited.
Another point is the preservation of animals and vegetal species that are so important for the nature. It is essential to find out ways, with help of scientific research, for increase the population of endangered species and your conservation.
Studying the nature other important thing is the changes of climate. It is must be a study in these changes to learn how to control or avoid some phenomenon that sometimes happens.
Study about environment is very important for all, because this is a provider for the major that is necessary to live. Thereat the word is preservation, for the future generations see the world better than it is today.
MENSAGEM PATROCINADA Para aprender mais sobre os Tempos Verbais baixe agora o: Guia Grátis de Tempos Verbais em Inglês. Ele contém um resumo bem estruturado para revisar os conceitos que você aprendeu na escola.

Clique aqui e saiba como baixar!
Avatar do usuário Donay Mendonça 49085 21 73 1138
Algumas sugestões de correção dentro do que o contexto permite avaliar:

Presently, with the growing concern about the greenhouse effect, one of the concepts that needs to be applied is the sustainable development. It is a way of development which reduces the degradation of nature. Because of this I would study the environment.
A reason for me to choose the environment is the growth of the population around the world. With more people, the consumption of food, the use of energy, and many other things will be increased. To meet the demand, a sustainable development of environmental resources is necessary, because many of these resources are limited.
Another point is the preservation of animals and vegetal species that are so important to nature. It is essential to find out ways, with help of scientific research to increase the population of endangered species and their conservation.
Another important thing about nature is the climate changes. It is must be a study in these changes to learn how to control or avoid some phenomenon that sometimes happens.
Studies about the environment are very important, because this is a provider for the major that is necessary to live. Thereat the word is preservation, for the future generations see the world better than it is today.