Correção de redação em inglês

Gostaria que corrigissem minha redação com relação a pontuação do TOEFL.

A company has announces that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

The factory installation in a city could be bad or good, depends on the point of view. One company that will bring goods opportunities of jobs will be seen like an evolution. In other side, one factory that is not need a manual workings will not be accept by population.
Other thing is if the company will bring economic progress for the community. Good salary, food assistance, health plan are things that the workers want when they are searching a job.
If the city that will receive a large factory is small, is necessary immigration for demand the job opportunities. Most often this is an advantage because the increment in population to bring the progress for the city. Although, in some cases, this could be disadvantageous because there a growth in criminality.
I believe that have more advantages than disadvantages in the implantation of a large factory in a community. So I would support to build a factory in my city.

Desde já agradeço.
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Avatar do usuário Donay Mendonça 49075 21 73 1138
Sugestões de correção dentro do que o contexto permite avaliar:

The factory installation in a city could be bad or good, it depends on the point of view. A company that brings good job opportunities will be seen as an evolution. On the other hand, a factory that doesn't need manual work will not be accepted by the population.
It's also important to know if the company will bring economic progress for the community, for example, good salaries, food assistance and health plans because these are things that workers want when they are looking for a job.
If the city that will receive a large factory is small, it is necessary immigration for demand the job opportunities. Most often this is an advantage because the increment in population to bring the progress for the city. Although, in some cases, this could be disadvantageous because there is an increase in criminality.
I believe that there are more advantages than disadvantages in the implantation of a large factory in a community. So I would support the decision of building a factory in my city.
donay mendonça

O que voce achou da redação? Que nota voce daria?
Avatar do usuário Flavia.lm 3885 1 9 86
maicon,

Uma vez que o enunciado diz que a fábrica será construída na sua cidade, eu mudaria (baseada no texto já revisado pelo Donay):

"The factory installation in the city ..."
"I believe that there are ... of a large factory in the community."

Pois subentende-se que você conheça o lugar em questão.

Ainda na mesma linha de raciocínio, o trecho "If the city that will receive a large factory is small," não faria sentido pois você deve saber se sua cidade é pequena ou não - esse tipo de incoerência tira pontos no exame, ainda que a gramática esteja correta. É preferível "inventar" um cenário, ainda que irreal. Sugiro mudar para "Considering that the city is small..."
Avatar do usuário Donay Mendonça 49075 21 73 1138
Maicon,

Sua redação ficou ok. Ainda pode melhorar mais. Quanto à nota, fica difícil de basear no TOEFL. Como professor, eu daria 5,0 - numa escala de 0 a 10.