Essay Ciência sem Fronteiras - Study Objectives (Mayday!)

Olá amigos, preciso muito da ajuda de vocês!
Estou escrevendo minha essay para o processo do CSF e preciso muito de opiniões, vejam o que vocês acham?
A princípio havia escrito uma essay que contava mais sobre minha história acadêmica, no entanto, descobri que essa essay deve ser objetiva e se basear em meus objetivos futuros de estudo. Não sei se consegui cumprir com o objetivo.
Agradeço imensamente.

I am currently studying electrical engineering with a full scholarship support at Centro Universitario da FEI, one of the best engineer schools in Brazil. The university is focused in the whole human development improving the student’s abilities to solve problems through a quality technical formation.
Nevertheless I am looking for an opportunity to study in USA to complement my undergraduate course with new perspectives and the possibility to apply important subjects that are essential to my career, but I am not able to do in a graduation course in Brazil.
My principal focuses of study are robots, especially about artificial intelligence (AI) and how it is applicable to the machines. My long term aim is to dominate some methods of Computational intelligence and other theories used in the creation of the abstraction level of the robots permitting them to evaluate situations from many contexts to accomplish different tasks efficiently.
There are many tools used in AI, including mathematical optimization, logic, methods based on probability and others. In this way, some background are required to understand the basic concepts of the robotics’ and it’s tools, subjects such as Machine Learning, Statistical Techniques in Robotics, Embedded Systems and Embedded Control Systems are some topics that I should dominate.
I have been in a part time project of the robotic laboratory of the university and I am working in an undergraduate research mentorship program (URMP) where I am creating a ball interception system used by the RoboFEI robots playing in the RoboCup Small Size League. I would like to apply the learned techniques into this project and improve the robots skills to communicate with each other.
Unfortunately, these subjects that I am interested are not available at my university hindering me to advance in my researches, however many universities in the United States have the best courses involving Robotics with qualified professionals and teachers that are ready to provide me more in-depth learning and advanced training so that I will have the expertise I need inside and outside the academic world.
In conclusion, an opportunity to study abroad is fundamental to my future perspectives, new practical and technical experiences are going to provide me more confidence, preparing me to be involved in professional projects, creating new technologies with know-how and responsibility, furthermore this chance is going to yield me wisdom and maturity to return to Brazil with different points of view and ready to finish my graduation course and start a new life as an engineer.
MENSAGEM PATROCINADA Você sabe como está o seu nível de inglês? Teste agora GRÁTIS em apenas alguns minutos.

Clique aqui para iniciar o Teste Online!
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39165 6 32 684
( ) meaning that I supressed one word or some sentence(s)


I am currently an electrical engineering student with a full scholarship ( ) at Centro Universitario da FEI, one reference school in technical studies in Brazil. The university is focused in the whole human development and in the problem-solving skills through all the technical formation.
Nevertheless, I am looking for an opportunity to study in the U.S.A. to widen/improve my undergraduate perspectives and ( ) to apply important practical activities that are essential to my career, the ones I am likely to have in a graduation course in Brazil.
My principal focus of study is the field of robotics, especially artificial intelligence (AI) and how it is applicable to the machines. My long term goal is to be real good at using methods of Computational Intelligence and at the creation of ( ) abstraction level of robots, permitting them to evaluate situations from many contexts to accomplish different tasks efficiently.

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This paragraph is just for comparison, it´s not meant to be in the essay.:
There are many tools used in AI, including mathematical optimization, logic, methods based on probability and others. In this way, some background are required to understand the basic concepts of the robotics’ and it’s tools, subjects such as Machine Learning, Statistical Techniques in Robotics, Embedded Systems and Embedded Control Systems are some topics that I should dominate.

[the italics are the ones that I´ll keep, in the next paragraph. The underlined is what doesn´t add much information or stray from the topic a bit - So I tried to stick to "Be specific about your field of study and your specialized interests within this field". General explanation are cut out.]
=================================


Okay, back to the crux of the matter... Now this is meant to be in the composition.



I wish to master the subjects such as Machine Learning, Statistical Techniques in Robotics, Embedded Systems and Embedded Control Systems.
I have been in a part-time project of the robotic laboratory of the university and I am working in an undergraduate research mentorship program (URMP) where I am creating a ball interception system used by the RoboFEI robots playing in the RoboCup Small Size League.
I would like to apply the learned techniques into this project and improve the robots skills to communicate with each other. Unfortunately, the university had to drop this project, hindering my study. Yet, many universities in the United States have the best Robotics courses, with teachers with hands-on experience that will provide with of more in-depth learning, then I will have the expertise I need inside and outside the academic world. 
In conclusion, an opportunity to study abroad is fundamental to my future perspectives, new practical and technical experiences are going to provide me more confidence, preparing me to the work market. When I am back, I will be creating new technologies with know-how and responsibility.
Furthermore, this chance is going to yield me maturity upon my return to Brazil with a new and diversified worldview; and ready to finish my graduation course and start a new life as an engineer.



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Now you can print and compare mine with yours and see the differences. Remember that the writing is yours, so if you think that some part is to keep then keep it. Sometimes our instincts are right! ;)


Good luck in your studies, May Day man! :lol:
Ah, this is an in-passing draft, so others corrections are welcome. The motto of a composition student is "revise revise and revise"!
PPAULO muito obrigado! Incrivelmente rápido e de grande ajuda!
Vou escrever mais coisas para complementar, estou longe das 500 palavras. Você tem alguma dica sobre o que eu poderia colocar a mais no texto? Acha que ficou objetivo de mais? Obrigado mais uma vez
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39165 6 32 684
My first impressions:
-Overall, your text meets what the prompt "Study Objectives" required, what could be deceptive as well, since it sounds so simple a thing (so it would seem to others, then one has highlight his experiences, motivations, acitivities etc.)

-I like the fact that your vocabulary is not repetitive, a plus. That´s more, looks like you understood the and interpreted writing prompt...

-With one caveat. On occasion, you strayed from the point (one knows you tried, but it was an explanative opinion, that would be a bit of an "obvious statement" (no offense here). I meant, the information wouldn´t add to the text originality, you have to, somehow, surprise the reader, bring new information or old but in new ways.

-All in all, your writing is good, and soon it will be excellent, depends on you.

-And don´t sweat any of my opinions, I am just a learner here (I am learning with this CsF thing, just like you.)

-I wasn´t aware of the 500-word requirement, I thought it was from 250-500, anyway you could (perhaps) give examples of your (relevant(s)) achievement(s) that show(s) why you would be the right sort of student, why would you be chosen, why would you be needed, things that would reveal your teamwork or problem-solving skills, background etc.



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Speaking of "CsF", I searched about it today, and I don´t have a definitive opinion. I didn´t had information enough to know what kind of composition is needed.
In general I would say that it seems like the "personal statements" that are required by the U.S. universities, so it´s some to go by.
For example, I had learned that in "compositions" (in Portuguese - in my student time) we would make them as much impersonal as we could, whereas those universities ask the personal statements, so it got personal - in a number of ways.
It caught my eye how people go on elaborating that studied at School so and so, or institution XYZ, perhaps it could be just stated that it was at an important institution/high school institution/technical institution etc. It´s not about school rankings, after all.
Well, for me it´s fine, but I would like to know about the examinators´ board.

Anyway, one thing is certain, one has to be aware of content, development, organization and of the language use and
its conventions. Just to begin with.

It would be a good thing if we had some kind of guidelines from the organization of the selective process, so the students
would be less trepidant kwowing such details.

For the time being, on my part I leave this topic untouched when I see it.
But it´s not a good feeling when you say a writing is okay when you are, somehow, in the dark about some detail.

And please, just regard that as a passing, maybe unimportant passing remark, as I said I am not of the educational system or something, just a member of the Forum.
Olá PPaulo! Estive pensando sobre os seus pontos, inclusive ótimas observações.
Com relação a impessoalidade, eu havia visto que quanto mais objetivo fosse o texto, melhor. Então acabei por retirar partes importantes da minha jornada acadêmica por tratar de forma errada o conceito de impessoalidade x objetividade.

Acabei por fazer algumas modificações e compartilho aqui com você, talvez eu tenha conseguido trazer o texto para mais próximo das minhas experiências. Agradeço novamente pela ajuda.
Caso seja possível, veja o que você acha (sim, sua opinião pessoal é fundamental, você tem muito mais experiência do que eu).
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Study Objectives

I am currently an electrical engineering student with a full scholarship at Centro Universitario da FEI, one reference school in technical studies in Brazil. The university is focused in the whole human development and in the problem-solving skills through all the technical formation.

Nevertheless, I am looking for an opportunity to study in the U.S.A. to widen my undergraduate perspectives and to apply important practical activities that are essential to my career, the ones I am likely to have in a graduation course in Brazil.

My principal focus of study is the field of robotics, especially artificial intelligence (AI) and how it is applicable to construct unmanned machines. My long term goal is to be real good at using methods of Computational Intelligence and at the creation of abstraction level of robots, permitting them to evaluate situations from many contexts to accomplish different tasks efficiently and autonomously.

I have been working for three years as artificial intelligence developer in a team of a part time project from the Robotics Laboratory of the university, one that consists in creating robots to play soccer by themselves.
The team participate every year in the RoboCup, an annual international robotics competition, where we have the opportunity to live under pressure situations, working as a group and further exchanging knowledge with another teams.
Moreover, I am working in an undergraduate research mentorship program (URMP) where I am creating a ball interception system used by the RoboFEI robots playing in the RoboCup Small Size League.

All these activities leads me to wish master subjects such as Machine Learning, Statistical Techniques in Robotics, Embedded Systems, Robotic Motion Planning, Computer Graphics and Embedded Control Systems.

These topics enable me to improve the algorithms complexity of my research project and improve the robots capability to act in a dynamic environment using sophisticated skills to communicate with each other.

Unfortunately, the university has no possibility to add these subjects into my undergraduate course, hindering my contact with them. Yet, many universities in the United States have the best Robotics courses, with teachers with hands-on experience that will provide with of more in-depth learning, then I will have the expertise I need inside and outside the academic world.

In conclusion, an opportunity to study abroad is fundamental to my future perspectives, new practical and technical experiences are going to provide me more confidence, preparing me to lead other programmers and be ready to the work market. When I am back, I am going to help my team with new researches with know-how and responsibility.

Furthermore, this chance is going to yield me maturity upon my return to Brazil with a new and diversified worldview; ready to finish my graduation course and start a new life as an engineer.
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39165 6 32 684
Way better! :)
Here goes some impressions, as follows:

 ...to widen my undergraduate perspectives and to apply important practical activities that are essential to my career, the ones I am [1] more likely to have in theory rather than in practice, in a graduation course in Brazil.

[1] I thought, if it´s likely to have in a graduation course in Brazil, what the point of studying abroad? With that change it perhaps makes more sense, in spite of not knowing if that was what you meant before.

[2]”My principal focus of study is the field of robotics”, could also be (perhaps even better expressed with...) “My principal focus of study is in the field of robotics”.
Anyway, both would do, withouth loss of meaning.


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[3]My principal focus of study is the field of robotics, especially artificial intelligence (AI) and how it is applicable to construct unmanned machines. My long term goal is to be real good at using methods of Computational Intelligence and at the creation of abstraction level of robots, permitting them to evaluate situations from many contexts to accomplish different tasks efficiently and autonomously.


Read on...please!

[3-rev.]
My principal focus of study is (in) the field of robotics, especially artificial intelligence (AI), and how it is applicable to construct unmanned machines. My long term goal is to be real good at using methods of Computational Intelligence and at the creation of abstraction level of robots; permitting them to evaluate situations from many contexts to accomplish different tasks efficiently and autonomously.

After (AI) I used a comma, “especially artificial intelligence (AI)” , because it is a parenthetical element of sorts, to my thinking.

By "parenthetical element," we mean a part of a sentence that can be removed without changing the essential meaning of that sentence. The parenthetical element is sometimes called "added information." 
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm



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before “permitting them to evaluate situations from many contexts to accomplish different tasks efficiently and autonomously. “

I have placed a semicolon, see its usage:

to separate closely related independent clauses:
-My grandmother seldom goes to bed this early; she's afraid she'll miss out on something.



It also means a bigger pause, in the thought and/or the breath, while reading.
================================


[4]I have been working for three years as artificial intelligence developer in a team of a part-time project from the Robotics Laboratory of the university...

[5] where we have the opportunity to live under pressure situations, working as a group and further exchanging knowledge with another teams.

Where we have the opportunity to work [not live – it´s just a competition, how many months or years does it last? So, not live...I changed to work, but you could find several other words to put here.] under situations of pressure [inverse order here.]

[6]and further exchanging knowledge with another teams.
and further exchanging knowledge with other teams.

Another – “um outro” as in “Please, my beer is finished, can you bring another?”

===================

[7]...that will provide with of more in-depth learning,...
that will provide me with more in-depth learning,...

I know, I know, it was a typo. In haste you left that one, but they will see and nitpick that.
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Notice that I corrected some glitches of my own, the punctuation for example. It may help the reader to understand the text, seeing the transitions, the slight changing of ideas, etc.


Hope it helps.
Muito obrigado! Assim que eu chegar nos EUA te mando uma lembrancinha!
Abraço
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39165 6 32 684
It´s my pleasure to help. Keep up the good work, study hard play hard! LOL.
Now, when you get there study, have some fun and let us know how it is to be there. Many Brazilians that go abroad in exchange programs (or even just traveling for fun.) want to know the culture, the feel, the nature (right now, the "snowture") etc.
I am glad when our fellow-countrymen are making it, there is a self-fulfillment feeling when we share education and values. Of course, we see beyond people´s academic goals, and perhaps the first award we have is the being aware of the power education have. Since it awakens in people their inner force, making them discover their potential to face challenges and achieve their goals, being one of them, their educational potential.


"Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours." - Les Brown quotes from BrainyQuote.com. ;)
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39165 6 32 684
Oops moment!


...and perhaps the first award we have is the being aware of the power education has. ;)
MENSAGEM PATROCINADA Há quanto tempo você estuda inglês? Já passou por sua cabeça que você pode estar estudando de uma forma que dá pouco ou quase nenhum resultado? Que tal fazer um intensivo de inglês de 180 dias e recuperar o tempo perdido? Em 6 meses você pode elevar o seu inglês a um novo patamar.

Clique aqui para conhecer o curso!