Correção de texto para o TOEFL

Olá pessoal, quem puder ajudar aqui, dando uma olhadinha e melhor ainda se comentasse sobre os erros ;). Me ajudaria muitíssimo, pois tenho muitas dúvidas na hora de escrever esses textos pro TOEFL.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

There is too much violence in movies.

There is appropriate age for each kind of movie. Children not should watch films with semi-naked or naked women, bad language, murders, and violence. Therefore, if the parents are taking care their children correctly, in my opinion the actual level of the violence in movies is acceptable.
Adults or young adults know the difference between reality and fiction. The maturity of adults is important because the watchers must know that is a movie, just a fiction, so the actors are not really suffering pain, or dyeing. The majority of children are easily impressionable so they may have nightmares or try to reproduce de scenes before movies. Whether the viewer is an adult there is no problem with violence scenes.
The movie should portray reality. The word is not only sunshine and rainbows as is well known; the violence is present in our civilization. The is many films which the violence is intrinsically linked with the routine of the characters as police movies, war movies, and others examples which if the direct cut the violence scenes the movies will not pass its message.
As pointed out in this essay, the violence in movies, since it watched by the correct watchers might be fun, and have not excessive violence. Obviously, there is movie with unnecessary violence and even adults may be shocked with these movies but in my opinion, this kind of movie are too few to be considered.

Obrigado antecipadamente :)
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There is an appropriate age for each kind of movie. Children should not watch films with partial or total nudity, bad language, murders or violence in general. Therefore, if the parents are taking care their children correctly, in my opinion the actual current level of the violence in movies is acceptable.

Adults and young adults know the difference between reality and fiction. The maturity of adults is important, because the audience must know that is a movie, just fiction and therefore the actors are not really suffering pain, or dyeing. The majority of children are easily impressionable, so they may have nightmares or try to reenact the scenes from the movies. If the viewer is an adult, there is no problem with violent scenes.

The movie should portray reality. The world is not only sunshine and rainbows as it is well-known; the violence is present in our civilization. In many films, the violence is intrinsically linked with the routine of the characters, such as in police movies, war movies, and other examples; if the director cut the violence scenes, the movie will not pass its message.

As pointed out in this essay, violence in movies, as long as they are watched by the correct audience, might be fun. and have not excessive violence. Obviously, there are movies with unnecessary violence and even adults may be shocked with those, but in my opinion, this kind of movie is too rare to be considered.


Key for correction:
bold: wrong, awkward or vague.
italics: not necessarily wrong, but it would sound better if written in another way.
scratched: should be removed from the text.

Como você pediu por feedback específico:
1 – Children not should – em ingles, a palavra not sempre vem depois do verbo: should not, does not, might not, had not, etc.
2- Nudez feminina é tão imprópria quanto nudez masculina; portanto, recomendo fortemente substituir a expressão semi-naked or naked women por algo mais geral.
3 - Actual significa real, verdadeiro, em sua acepção mais comum. Como imagino que você quisesse dizer atual, substituí por current.
4 – watchers significa espiões, pessas que vigiam. O termo ideal para quem assiste a um vídeo é audience ou viewers.
5 – The world is not only sunshine and rainbows as it is well-known – cuidado com generalizações! Prefira sempre usar expressões como ‘may be’, ‘could be’. Se você faz uma afirmação categórica dessas, não há espaço para sequer um exemplo contrário. Isso pode fragilizar a sua argumentação.
6 – No segundo parágrafo, você afirma que não há problema com cenas violentas, desde que adultos as assistam. Na conclusão, você faz a ressalva de que não haja violência excessiva . Observe que isso enfraquece sua argumentação e o texto perde coerência. Sempre que for escrever um ensaio, não apenas para o TOEFL, atenha-se à sua argumentação e tente não soar contraditório.

Parabéns, há muito de positivo em sua escrita! Entretanto, há alguns pontos a melhorar, mas nada que trabalho duro e perseverança não deem conta.

Cheers!