Correção de texto para o TOEFL

Olá pessoal, quem puder ajudar aqui, dando uma olhadinha e melhor ainda se comentasse sobre os erros . Me ajudaria muitíssimo, pois tenho muitas dúvidas na hora de escrever esses textos pro TOEFL.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

There is too much violence in movies.

There is appropriate age for each kind of movie. Children not should watch films with semi-naked or naked women, bad language, murders, and violence. Therefore, if the parents are taking care their children correctly, in my opinion the actual level of the violence in movies is acceptable.
Adults or young adults know the difference between reality and fiction. The maturity of adults is important because the watchers must know that is a movie, just a fiction, so the actors are not really suffering pain, or dyeing. The majority of children are easily impressionable so they may have nightmares or try to reproduce de scenes before movies. Whether the viewer is an adult there is no problem with violence scenes.
The movie should portray reality. The word is not only sunshine and rainbows as is well known; the violence is present in our civilization. The is many films which the violence is intrinsically linked with the routine of the characters as police movies, war movies, and others examples which if the direct cut the violence scenes the movies will not pass its message.
As pointed out in this essay, the violence in movies, since it watched by the correct watchers might be fun, and have not excessive violence. Obviously, there is movie with unnecessary violence and even adults may be shocked with these movies but in my opinion, this kind of movie are too few to be considered.

Obrigado antecipadamente