Correção de texto: It was a hot summer day in LA

Olá!

Sou um estudante iniciante no inglês e estava estudando traduzindo um texto do português para o inglês (não sei se é o melhor método, mas...), bem... Terminei e não posso dizer se está tudo correto. Poderiam me ajudar, se necessário, apontando os meus erros?

Texto em Português:
Era um dia quente de verão em Los Angeles. A temperatura durante o dia foi de cerca de cem graus Fahrenheit. Suzie, uma menina, adorava sentar na varanda para ver os meninos brincando no quintal. Hoje, seus amigos estavam andando com suas bicicletas para cima e para baixo na rua. Os dois meninos eram Joey e Bob, e eles estavam tentando ver quem poderia andar com suas bicicletas mais rápido. Em uma corrida, booby saiu com uma grande vantagem, mas Joey estava se aproximando. Bobby estava ficando cansado e Joey foi capaz de passar por ele. Suzie estava se divertindo muito assistindo eles, quando sua mãe sua mãe veio para fora e perguntou o que estava fazendo. “Eu estou vendo os meninos andarem de bicicleta, mamãe”, disse ela. Então Suzie perguntou à mãe se ela poderia ensiná-la a andar. Sua mãe pensou por um tempo. Ela estava pensando que Suzie era muito jovem para aprender a andar, mas no final, ela pensou que era hora para ela aprender.

Texto com a minha tradução:
It was a hot summer day in LA. The temperature along the day was about one hundred Fahrenheit. Suzie, a girl, loved to sit at terrace to look the boys playing on the garden. Today, her friends were riding on their bikes to up and down of street. The two boys were Joey and Bob, they were trying see who could to ride on their bikes faster. On a race, Bobby started with a big advantage, but Joey was approaching. Bobby was getting tired and Joey was able to pass for him. Suzie was enjoyed looking them, when her mom come outside and asked what she was doing. “I’m looking the boys riding on their bike, mom”, said her. Then Suzie asked to her mother if she could to teach her to ride. Her mother thought for a while. She was thinking that Suzie was very young to learn to ride, but in the end, she thought that it was the time for her to learn.

Thanks!

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Avatar do usuário Thomas 14290 7 58 283
It was a hot summer day in LA. The temperature had been about one hundred degrees.(1) Suzie loved to sit on the terrace to watch the boys playing in the backyard. (2) Today, her friends were riding their bikes up and down the street. The two boys were Joey and Bob, they were trying see who could to ride their bikes faster. Bobby started a race with a big advantage, but Joey was coming up quickly from behind.(3) Bobby was getting tired and Joey was able to pass him. Suzie was enjoying watching them, when her mom came outside and asked what she was doing.(4) “I’m watching the boys riding their bikes, Mom”, she said.(5) Then Suzie asked her mother if she could to teach her how to ride. Her mother thought for a while. She was thinking that Suzie was very young to learn how to ride, but in the end, she thought that it was time for her to learn.(6)

(1) No need to say "day" because it could never been that hot at night. I deleted Fahrenheit because Celsius or Centigrade is rarely used in the USA. And 100 degrees Celsius simply makes no sense. You could have said "all day", "all day long", "throughout the day", etc. I chose "to watch" rather than "to look" because to watch implies that the object is moving. In movement, doing something. [If you look at a clock, you inspect it. If you watch a clock, you are observing the movements of its hands.] I liked your use of "LA" instead of the more formal "Los Angeles."
(2) Garden? Is it an area dedicated to flowers or fruits? If it is, OK. If not, I would suggest "backyard". Suzie is a girl? Would you write in Portuguese, "Maria, uma garota..."? I doubt it. Suzie is a very familiar, very feminine name. So is Maria. There is no need obvious to me to say she is a girl. I would delete it.
(3) A very common idiom.
(4) Go to Number 1 and re-read what I wrote about to watch and to look. If Suzie is watching them, she is observing their actions. If Suzie is looking at them, maybe she thinks they are cute or that she would like to have one as her boyfriend. The keyword is "maybe". Since there are two bikes, you must say "their bikes". It may sound strange, but... And note I changed "said she" to "she said".
(5) There is a minor and yet important difference between Mom and mom, Mother and mother. The word is capitalized when it is used to the speaker is making a comment about his or her mother/mom instead of saying her name. Otherwise the name is written mom/mother. Forgive me for not being clearer. Let me give some examples:

Is your mom here? No, Mom went to the store. (No, my mom went to the store.)
What is your mother's name? Terry is Mother's name. (Terry is my mother's name.)

Will you please give this message to your mom?
My mom/mother will receive it immediately upon her return, I promise. I promise that my mom/mother will receive it immediately upon her return. I promise that Mom/Mother will receive it immediately upon her return.

Understand?

(6) Note the use of "how". To me, "time"sounds better than "the time". I belieou ve arguments could be made for both. And you may want to say "she was too young" instead of "very young".

You did a great job! Congratulations. You made a few mistakes. So what? Do you want to know a little secret? Only people who make mistakes learn, Keep up the good work,
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Avatar do usuário Telma Regina 22725 9 58 570
Some corrections:

It was a hot summer day in LA. The temperature during the day was about 100 Fahrenheit. Suzie, a girl, loved to sit at a terrace looking at the boys playing in the garden. Today, her friends were riding their bikes up and down the street. The two boys were Joey and Bob. They were trying to see who could to ride faster. On a race, Bobby started with a big advantage, but Joey was approaching. Bobby was getting tired and Joey was able to pass him. Suzie was enjoying looking at them, when her mom came outside and asked what she was doing. “I’m looking at the boys riding their bikes, mom”, said her. Then Suzie asked her mother if she could teach her to ride a bike. Her mother thought for a while. She was thinking that maybe Suzie was very young to learn to ride a bike, but then she agreed.