Correção de redação "A nightmare trip I remember"

Olá pessoal, venho estudando inglês sozinha e por isso não tenho a quem recorrer para corrigir e me dar dicas sobre redação, como escrever melhor. Hoje eu escrevi uma redação, porque a um mês atrás percebi que meu writing é muito fraco. Então estou tentando melhorar nessa área. Eu vou postar minha redação, o tema foi sugerido pelo livro que estudo inglês - Oxford University, a história aconteceu de verdade comigo e me diverti escrevendo, mas eu não sei se está tudo correto, no tempo verbal certo. Me ajudem a melhorar gente. Me ajudem com sugestões, esse espaço é muito importante para mim. :D

Nightmare Trip

A nightmare trip I remember was there one year ago. When I was going to the little city called Santa Tereza. I traveled there for a visit camp university with my friends and my teachers at university. I left my home very early - 6:00 A.M and take a bus stop until at my university. There I was another bus until the city Santa Tereza.
The trip was good. The bus were more comfortable and all the time I conversation with my friends, reading a book and listening my favorite music's.
But when I arrive there, was awful. The city is beautiful, but the visit camp not was good.
The teachers made all the class walk very much. Walking in the plantation yam and other vegetables (at mud!) behind the tipical species the plant for reforestation. After we walking on a track with much mosquitoes, I spent repellent, but no avail.
I was very angry and with bad mood.
At time for lunch, when I was eating, I saw at mine lettuce a earthworm. My lunch ended at the moment. In the end my feets not stopped hurting and I sleeping at the bus until my bus stop and after finally arrived at my house.
Was awful, I have nightmare with this trip all the once that I remember.

Obrigada pessoal!!! :P
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Avatar do usuário w.slayman 110
Flavia and Vivnk,

I am not 100% sure what you were referring to but I will try a rewrite and hope that I get the subjects and intent correct. As usual, the following is just a suggestion and as such it is subject to review and interpretation.

"About one year ago I took a trip that turned into a nightmare. Some friends and teachers from the university and I took a trip to visit a university biological camp. I left home very early at 6:00 AM to catch a bus to my university where the group boarded a charter bus for the trip to the little city of Santa Tereza. The bus trip was comfortable and very enjoyable, I was able to converse with friends, read some and listen to my favorite music. The city of Santa Tereza was very beautiful to visit, but then the nightmare started.

The teachers made us walk on a mud track through a plantation of yams, other vegatables, and various tropical plants that were to be used for reforestation. I used copious amounts mosquitoe repellent to no avail, because the mosquitoes had an insatiable appitite for my blood.

By lunch time I was in an extremely bad mood, and in a lot of pain. I started to eat my lunch and found a worm in my lettuce, which made me loose my appitite, and could not eat. When we eventually boarded the bus for the trip home I was tired, my feet hurt, and the innumerable mosquitoe bites were itching. I am not sure if I fell asleep or passed out soon after sitting down but I did not awaken until we arrived at my university.

This trip was so awful that I still have nightmares about it."


I hope this helps, please let me know, what each of you think.

And Flavia, thanks for the compliment.
Avatar do usuário Flavia.lm 3885 1 9 86
@ Vivnk: It was me who took the liberty to ask Bill to review your text.

@ Bill:
- shouldn't we have something after "read some"? (line 4, 1st paragraph)
- "an insatiable appitite for my blood" was very creative :)
- I guess you meant "lose" instead of "loose" in line 2, 3rd paragraph.
- as far as I know, the right spelling is "appetite" (line 3, 2nd paragraph, and line 2, 3rd paragraph)
- "did not awaken" - shouldn't it be "did not wake up" ?
- is there any difference between "mosquito" and "mosquitoe"?
Avatar do usuário Flavia.lm 3885 1 9 86
Flavia.lm escreveu:@ Vivnk: It was me who took the liberty to ask Bill to review your text.
(..)


Não, não, prezada Flávia. O correto é "It was I who took the liberty...". Da próxima vez preste mais atenção, pois o Donay já tinha te ensinado essa, no seguinte link: it-s-me-x-it-s-i-t9750.html
Avatar do usuário Flavia.lm 3885 1 9 86
Flavia.lm escreveu:@ Vivnk: It was me who took the liberty to ask Bill to review your text.

@ Bill:
- shouldn't we have something after "read some"? (line 4, 1st paragraph)
- "an insatiable appitite for my blood" was very creative :)
- I guess you meant "lose" instead of "loose" in line 2, 3rd paragraph.
- as far as I know, the right spelling is "appetite" (line 3, 2nd paragraph, and line 2, 3rd paragraph)
- "did not awaken" - shouldn't it be "did not wake up" ?
- is there any difference between "mosquito" and "mosquitoe"?


Bill has just confirmed he mispelled "appetite", "lose" and "mosquito".
About "read some", he told me it "is correct for a general statement"
And he said "did not awaken" is right (but I didn't unsdertand why :( ). Would anyone comment about that? Tks in advance.
Flavia.lm escreveu:
Flavia.lm escreveu:@ Vivnk: It was me who took the liberty to ask Bill to review your text.
(..)


Não, não, prezada Flávia. O correto é "It was I who took the liberty...". Da próxima vez preste mais atenção, pois o Donay já tinha te ensinado essa, no seguinte link: it-s-me-x-it-s-i-t9750.html


Thanks Flávia! You helped me a lot. Thanks for sharing with me the work of the Bill, I did not know. :D :D
w.slayman escreveu:Flavia and Vivnk,

I am not 100% sure what you were referring to but I will try a rewrite and hope that I get the subjects and intent correct. As usual, the following is just a suggestion and as such it is subject to review and interpretation.

"About one year ago I took a trip that turned into a nightmare. Some friends and teachers from the university and I took a trip to visit a university biological camp. I left home very early at 6:00 AM to catch a bus to my university where the group boarded a charter bus for the trip to the little city of Santa Tereza. The bus trip was comfortable and very enjoyable, I was able to converse with friends, read some and listen to my favorite music. The city of Santa Tereza was very beautiful to visit, but then the nightmare started.

The teachers made us walk on a mud track through a plantation of yams, other vegatables, and various tropical plants that were to be used for reforestation. I used copious amounts mosquitoe repellent to no avail, because the mosquitoes had an insatiable appitite for my blood.

By lunch time I was in an extremely bad mood, and in a lot of pain. I started to eat my lunch and found a worm in my lettuce, which made me loose my appitite, and could not eat. When we eventually boarded the bus for the trip home I was tired, my feet hurt, and the innumerable mosquitoe bites were itching. I am not sure if I fell asleep or passed out soon after sitting down but I did not awaken until we arrived at my university.

This trip was so awful that I still have nightmares about it."


I hope this helps, please let me know, what each of you think.

And Flavia, thanks for the compliment.


Thanks Bill, the writing became clearer. That was what I wanted to write. Thank you and now I will seek more your help. Thank you! :D
Flavia.lm escreveu:
Flavia.lm escreveu:@ Vivnk: It was me who took the liberty to ask Bill to review your text.

@ Bill:
- shouldn't we have something after "read some"? (line 4, 1st paragraph)
- "an insatiable appitite for my blood" was very creative :)
- I guess you meant "lose" instead of "loose" in line 2, 3rd paragraph.
- as far as I know, the right spelling is "appetite" (line 3, 2nd paragraph, and line 2, 3rd paragraph)
- "did not awaken" - shouldn't it be "did not wake up" ?
- is there any difference between "mosquito" and "mosquitoe"?


Bill has just confirmed he mispelled "appetite", "lose" and "mosquito".
About "read some", he told me it "is correct for a general statement"
And he said "did not awaken" is right (but I didn't unsdertand why :( ). Would anyone comment about that? Tks in advance.



I didn't unsdertand why too :?
Avatar do usuário Flavia.lm 3885 1 9 86
Flavia.lm escreveu:(...)

Bill has just confirmed he mispelled "appetite", "lose" and "mosquito".
About "read some", he told me it "is correct for a general statement"
And he said "did not awaken" is right (but I didn't unsdertand why :( ). Would anyone comment about that? Tks in advance.


toc, toc, toc

Just in case any of you have a comment... I'm still wondering why this is correct...
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Avatar do usuário dlr 65
'to awaken' can mean 'to wake up', though if you ask me it seems like a more extravagant and formal way of saying it. I think it's more often used in the sense of 'coming to life'. For example,

"the old rust-covered machine was turned on for the first time in 20 years... gears were grinding and metal parts clinked together as it awakened from its slumber."

Obviously a machine can't 'wake up', but it can perhaps 'awaken' albeit in an abstract sense.