Correção de texto "at 7:00 o´clock in the evening..."

Olá! vocês poderiam corrigir o texto abaixo? O que vocês acharam dele?

So, at 7:00 o´clock in the evening Taylor went to Jane´s house. When he arrived there, he knocked at the door. After a little time, Jane openned the door.
Jane: Hi, Taylor! How are you?
Taylor: Hi! I´m good!
Jane: Oh! come in! What´s the time?
Taylor: Hum... It´s about seven o´clock. Are you ready? ´cause I need to get Paul and Lisa too.
Jane: Oh! Just wait a minute, please. I´m going to put my shoes and after that we can go, ok?
Taylor: Ok! Hurry up!
Jane: Hey, Taylor! Am I look ok?
Taylor: Of course! So, get into the car, baby.
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Avatar do usuário Donay Mendonça 49075 21 73 1138
Milamilis,

Algumas sugestões de melhoria para seu texto:

So, at 7:00 o´clock in the evening Taylor went to Jane´s house. When he arrived there, he knocked at the door. After some time, Jane opened the door.

Jane: Hi, Taylor! How are you?
Taylor: Hi! I´m good!
Jane: Oh! come in! What´s the time?
Taylor: Hum... It´s almost seven. Are you ready? 'cause I need to go and get Paul and Lisa too.
Jane: Oh! Just wait a minute, please. I´m going to put on my shoes and then we can go, ok?
Taylor: Ok! Hurry up!
Jane: Hey, Taylor! Do I look good?
Taylor: Oh, yes. Get into the car, baby.
Avatar do usuário w.slayman 110
In addition to Donay's corrections I would like to suggest the following:

Unless there is an overriding reason that is not shown in the original post, eliminate the "So," as the first word, giving us "At 7:00 c'clock . ... he arrived he knocked on the door." The use of "there" is superfluous in this context, and one knocks on the door not at it.

I would change "What's the time" to "What time is it." as being more natural in conversational English.

Using the phrase " ... I need to pick up Paul and Lisa too", nicely and smoothly replaces "... I need to go and get Paul and Lisa too."

The last suggestion which I would like to make and emphasize is that when writing a script or quoting a person the actual words to be spoken or that were spoken, respectively, need to be inclosed in quotation marks ("...").

I hope this makes sense to all and that you profit from these suggestions.

Pick up - see: http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/pick+up
Superfluous - see: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/superfluous