Correção de texto: "Booking Accommodation"

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Hi there!

Estou prestando o IELTS em 07 dias.
Para focar forte nessa reta final, decidi escrever 2 textos por dia pegando samples de exames anteriores: Um será a carta (Letter) e o outro a dissertação (Essay).
Hoje infelizmente só achei tempo pra escrever a Letter.
Se alguém tiver a possibilidade de corrigí-los ou apontar ideias/mudanças será de grande valia!
Qualquer comentario é de grande ajuda!
Grato!



5. Booking Accommodation
You are going to take a short holiday in Singapore and you want to rent a holiday apartment while you are there. Write to the tourist information office. In your letter:
• explain what you need
• say when you plan to be there
• ask for information about prices
Begin your letter as follows: Dear Mr / Ms __________






Dear Mr Bryan,

My name is Angelo, I am a Brazilian man that lives in Dublin and really enjoys travelling. I am writing you this letter to seek information about my family’s accommodation in Singapore during our holidays. We are thinking about renting an apartment, it does not need to be very spacious, however, it has to have a balcony and a place to park our bicycles. Moreover, we would like to get an apartment in a central area. As we are going to be in four people, two bedrooms are enough.

We start off on the 05th of January and we are going to stay until the 12th. I really wish I could stay more, but due to personal commitments I unfortunately cannot.

I would like you to send me some pictures, prices and well-detailed information regarding the apartments you may have.

I am looking forward to hearing from you!

Thank you very much,

Yours sincerely,

Angelo

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Sugestões:

Dear Mr [sobrenome],

My name is Angelo, I am a Brazilian man who lives in Dublin and really enjoys travelling. I am writing you this letter to get / obtain information about my family’s accommodation in Singapore during our holidays. We are thinking about renting an apartment. It does not need to be very spacious, but it has to have a balcony and a place to / where we can park our bicycles. We would also prefer it if the apartment were located in a central area (of the city). There are going to be four of us, so two bedrooms are enough.

We'll be checking in on the 05th of January and we are going to stay until the 12th. I really wish I could stay more, but due to personal commitments I unfortunately cannot.

I would like you to send me some pictures, prices and detailed information regarding the apartments you may have.

I am looking forward to hearing from you!

Yours sincerely,
Angelo

Notas:

1) "We are going to be in four" = Portuglish

2) "Mr" é convencionalmente seguido do sobrenome, ou do nome e sobrenome juntos, mas não pelo primeiro nome apenas.

3) Utilize "I look forward to" se houver necessidade de um maior grau de formalidade.

Bons estudos!
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