Correção de essay toefl: Museums

Pessoal boa noite! Eu ficaria muito grato se alguém pudesse da uma olhada nessa essay que eu acabei de escrever.

Tema:
Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Essay

As far as I am concerned, I believe that people visit museums for several reasons such as to have fun, to know more the place they are visiting and to improve their knowledge about something.

First, people go to museums to have fun. For example, when I was working at the education secretary I had a friend named Juliana. One day she was very excited talking about a trip that she did at Gramado, a city in the state of Rio Grande do Sul. There, she visited a museum called minimundo. This museum had this name because it was like a mini city with even a mini paper factory working as well as regular factory. Juliana told me that she got lots of fun at this museum.

Also, people go to museums know more about the place they are. For example, I have a friend named Pedro who went to japan during one year to study abroad. Before he travelled he knows nothing about japan. Once there he went to a samurai museum. There, he saw things like samurai swords and armor. The museum guide also told him about samurai’s history and his importance for japan. Going to a museum has improved his knowledge about japan.

Finally, people go to museums to learn new things. For example, when I was in the high Scholl, I visited a museum with classmates. It was a museum about human body. The museum had real human bodies sliced in different ways. There were parts of the brain, skin, tooth and many other parts of human body. There, I learned how a real human body looks like inside. It was very different I have imagined. So, I started seeing my body with a whole new light.

For those reasons, I assert that people go to museums for many reasons. Museums are exciting. If you go somewhere you should visit a local museum.
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"Also, people go to museums know more about the place they are" should read "Also, people go to museums to know more about the place they are in.
I would like to make some observations:
First, people go to museums to have fun.

I like the usage of first in this case cause it were used as an adjective meaning “em 1º lugar”, a different way of using the word.
For example, when I was working at the education secretary I had a friend named Juliana.

I think you meant to use: Board of education or education secretariat.

This museum had this name because it was like a mini city with even a mini paper factory working as well as regular factory.

I not sure but I think we got to use an a in the front: as well as regular a factory

Also, people go to museums know more about the place they are

I agreed with the other commentary but I would like to add that in this case you shouldn´t use at, because the place is a general place without explanations (I stood in doubt when I first look at it) .

Before he travelled he knows nothing about japan. Once there he went to a samurai museum.
Before his travel he knew nothing

There, he saw things like samurai swords and armor.

There, he saw things like samurai swords and armors.

The museum guide also told him about samurai’s history and his importance for japan.

Its

For example, when I was in the high Scholl, I visited a museum with classmates.

School
It was very different I have imagined.

Different from – prepositional adjective