Correção de Essay Toefl

Bom dia.

Aqui vai um texto no modelo do TOEFL.

Recentemente descobri que na verdade são 30 min para o essay. Pensei que era 40 min, vish, hehe.
Sei que as ideias ficaram meio toscas, mas se eu souber as correções na gramática, já tá ótimo.

Até

A person you know is planning to move to your town or city. What

do you think this person would like and dislike about living in your

town or city? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your

essay.




Every city has both advantages and disadvantages and sometimes the opinion that attempts to judge these things depends on the person, however, if I had to talk to a person about my city, I think I would tell about things such as the existence of several parks, the good public transport and, in the negative side, floods.

The daily routine of a person can be stressful due to several things - work, for example, - and I believe that the existence of parks can make the atmosphere more paceful. Everyone needs a moment dedicated to leisure. For instance, when I was working at a local company, I used to spent many of my weekends at parks doing nothing but seeing the threes and the animals, hiking, and so on. This was very relaxing and helped me to start the week better.

In addition to the existence of parks, I it seems to me that another advantage of my city is the public transport. Nowadays, the traffic is becoming more and more complicated due to the big quantity of cars and others vehicles. So, with a good public system of transport, it is possible to save time and spend better the rest of the day.

Finally, I must say that there are also disadvantages and probably the worst of them is the fact that sometimes there are floods. There is a river that crosses the city and when it rains very much, the water escapes the bounds of the river and reaches the place where people are in, like malls, parking lots and houses. For example, in the summer of the last year, there was a flood and I got stuck at the university. There was no danger to me because I wasn’t at the ground floor, but it had to wait many hours to leave the place. So, I would explain the situation to the person who are moving, saying how he or she can be safe when floods occur.

Thus, considering the points above explained, I think this person can enjoy the good things of the city such as parks and good public transport and, even if he or she can’t avoid the occurence of floods, at least with my explanations he or she could be safer.
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Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
I am afraid it cut no ice this time, you made a much impersonal text in my view.
I barely noticed, but noticed some hint of a city of "yours" just on paragraph #4 and #5.

Here some example to you see, but please don´t plagiarize or "parrot them", put your ideas "to paper" but in a more personal way. If you say that is for TOEFL purpose, stick strictly to what they ask and the information given.

We will wait for your revising, please rework it and resubmit.



samples -

http://www.findscore.com/essays/16657.html

http://www.preservearticles.com/2011082 ... -city.html

http://www.urch.com/forums/twe/124438-p ... etown.html
Thanks, Paulo.

To be honest, I was following a structure like this:

intro (impersonal statement + my opinion)

argument 1 impersonal + my own experience on that argument
argument 2 impersonal + my own experience on that argument

conclusion (well, nothing special)

So, in fact, the text is quite impersonal. Writing personal experiences can be more complicated.

Aqui o texto refeito (tem muita coisa em comum). Deixei o prazo de meia hora pra fazer também, então ficou bem mais ou menos, mas pelo menos na parte de ser pessoal acho que melhorou um pouco.
OBS: esse foi o maior texto que já consegui fazer em meia hora!!! Mas como eu já usei as ideias do outro, não conta, hehe

I live in Santo André, a city from Brazil close to São Paulo. Of course, each person has a different option about what makes a good city, however, I believe it's possible to think about general advantages and disadvantages that most people would agree with me.

Firstly, I really like the existence of several parks. Daily life can be stressful and everyone needs a moment to relax. People do several activities in order to enjoy better theirs weekends and one of my favorites is going to a park. I like hiking, seeing the ambient and so on - it is nothing very special or surprising, but I really love the calm atmosphere. Altough Santo André is a small city, the number of parks (compared with the area of the city) is above the averege.

In addition to the existence of parks, I like the pace of the city. It isn't so calm as a very small city, but also it hasn't the problems with pollution, traffic and other things of big cities. I must admit that I am atractted by the facilities of a big city like shopping and diversity of foods, but that isn't a problem fot people who live in Santo André: it's possible to take a train in order to go to São Paulo, for instance. If you have a car, is even faster. Thus, you can enjoy the reasable slow pace of the city without loosing the advantages of a big city.

These two qualities above make, in my opinion, this city really a good place for living. However, I have to explain also a big problem: floods. There's a river named 'Tamanduateí" and when it rains a lot (for more than 4 hours, in general), there are good chances of occuring a flood. To be honest, most people that live in areas next to the river are used to this in the summer and, for them, isn't not exactly a urgent concern. However, sometimes you need to be careful in rain days. For example, one time, I was in the university and a flood has occorred. There was no danger for me because I wasn't in the ground floor, but I had to wait about 3 hours to go home. Thus, I would recommend a carefuly research to find the best houses - by the way, if the price of a house is low, think twice before renting it!

In way of conclusion, considering the points above exposed, I think Santo André is a good place to live, even if the existence of floods. If the person can't escape them, at least, with my advices, he or she would be safer.



Palavras ou expressões que eu não sabia a tradução ou a grafia correta:
proximidade: proximity
preciso citar: Is necessary to cite
interior (cidade do interior): country town
regiões próximas: nearby regions
averAge: média
ocorreu: occorrEd
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
I live in Santo André, a city from Brazil close to São Paulo. Of course, each person has a different option about what makes a good city, however, I believe it's possible to think about general advantages and disadvantages that most people would agree with me.

-I live in Santo André, a city of the Brazil state of São Paulo. And, in spite of the variety of opinions about what makes a city good to live, it´s possible to think about general advantages and disadvantages of it/our city.

----------------------------------------------
Firstly, I really like the existent infrastructure. For example, there are plenty of public squares and parks, which are a good way to relax after a stressful and busy day. Everyone needs a moment to relax, after all.
People take part in several activities, in order to enjoy theirs weekends better, and one of my favorite ones is going to a park. I like hiking, sightseeing and so on, there is nothing very special or surprising in that, but I really love the calm atmosphere I can see around here. Altough Santo André is a small city, the number of parks (compared with the area of the city) is above the average.

[Here just minor corrections, so I let it as it was...almost. ]


------------------------------------------------
It isn't so calm as a very small city, but also it hasn't the problems with pollution, traffic and other things of big cities. I must admit that I am atractted by the facilities of a big city like shopping and diversity of foods, but that isn't a problem fot people who live in Santo André: it's possible to take a train in order to go to São Paulo, for instance. If you have a car, is even faster. Thus, you can enjoy the reasable slow pace of the city without loosing the advantages of a big city.


-In addition to the outdoor activies, one will like the pace of the city. It´s true that the city have some problems wich big cities also have, such as pollution, traffic and so on. One have to admit that we are not in the same league as the neighbour city of Sao Paulo, when it comes to commerce services, mainly the food and sale sector. Anyway, one may always take advantage of our transport system, and by bus or train, get there when needed. If you have a car, or rent one, better still. You can enjoy the reasonable slow pace of the city without losing the advantages of a bigger city.



These two aspects alone, would make in my opinion, this city really a good/an attractive place for living. However, I have to say, there is a problem: floods. Since there's a river named 'Tamanduateí" (Indian word, it meant “River of the True Anteater”) usually, when it rains a lot (for more than 4 hours), chances are of flood occurrences.
To be honest, most people that live in areas next to the river are used to this in the summer and, for them, isn't not exactly a urgent concern. However, sometimes you need to be careful in rainy days.






For example, once, I was in the university and a flood had occurred. There was no danger for me because I wasn't in the ground floor, but I had to wait about 3 hours to go home. Thus, I would recommend a carefuly research to find the best houses - by the way, if the price of a house is low, think twice before renting it!


[Here in the previous paragraph of yours, it is a personal account, but I would have made it not overly personal. Thus, I would change it to something like:

"For example, once there was flood, in spite of not being apparently /seemingly disastrous, it kept many people from getting home in time/at the right time, many arrived up to three hours behind schedule.
It´s advisable to research well, before choosing a place to live in this city. By the way, a low rent may be a sign that the house is in a flooding area, so the newcomer have to be careful with the renting."







In way of conclusion, considering the points above exposed, I think Santo André is a good place to live, even if the existence of floods. If the person can't escape them, at least, with my advices, he or she would be safer.


All in all/on the whole/all things considered, Santo Andre is a good place to live, even with the flooding events. One can be safer if follow my advice, though.





======================
Now I must say that I am not a teacher, so this text of mine is to be seem as a draft, a simple exercise to my learning as well. So, what I am saying in no uncertain terms, is that I am a learner, not a teacher or advanced learner.

So, let´s wait for further comments and opinions. When I say that it needs fine tuning, I meant it, it certainly might some adjust/amends/proofreading.
Like everyone else, I am a bit self-indulgent when it comes to my own works! :oops:

So, please guys, give us a hand, will ya? LOL ;)
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
Almost off topic, but then not so (só que não!).

Here some guidelines from the Swain County School, for writting assessments.

The complete downloadable archive is here -
http://www.swain.k12.nc.us/docs/Swain20 ... gGuide.pdf

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But I am going to leave this sample, it´s about the seventh grade skills.

Content Rubric
Points Descriptions

4 points
Descriptions =>
- Topic/subject is clear, though it may or may not be explicitly stated
- Maintains focus on topic/subject throughout the response
-Organizational structure establishes relationships between and among ideas and/or events
- Consists of a logical progression of ideas and/or events and is unified and complete
- Support and elaboration are related to and supportive of the topic/subject
- Consists of specific, developed details
- Exhibits skillful use of vocabulary that is precise and purposeful
- Demonstrates skillful use of sentence fluency


3 Points (Descriptions => )
- Topic/subject is generally clear, though it may or may not be explicitly stated
- May exhibit minor lapses in focus on topic/subject
- Organizational structure establishes relationships between and among ideas and/or events,
although minor lapses may be present
- Consists of a logical progression of ideas and/or events and is reasonably complete, although
minor lapses may be present
- Support and elaboration may have minor weaknesses in relatedness to and support of the topic/subject
- Consists of some specific details
- Exhibits reasonable use of vocabulary that is precise and purposeful
- Demonstrates reasonable use of sentence fluency

2 Points (Descriptions => )
- Topic/subject may be vague
- May lose or may exhibit lapses in focus on topic/subject
- Organizational structure may establish little relationship between and among ideas and/or events
- May have major lapses in the logical progression of ideas and/or events and is minimally complete
- Support and elaboration may have major weaknesses in relatedness to and support of the topic/subject
-Consists of general and/or underdeveloped details, which may be presented in a list-like fashion
- Exhibits minimal use of vocabulary that is precise and purposeful
- Demonstrates minimal use of sentence fluency

1 Point (Descriptions => )
- Topic/subject is unclear or confusing
- May fail to establish focus on topic/subject
- Organizational structure may not establish connection between and among ideas and/or events
- May consist of ideas and/or events that are presented in a random fashion and is incomplete or confusing
- Support and elaboration attempts to support the topic/subject but may be unrelated or confusing
- Consists of sparse details
- Lacks use of vocabulary that is precise and purposeful
- May not demonstrate sentence fluency


NS (Descriptions => )
- This code may be used for compositions that are entirely illegible or otherwise unscorable: blank responses, responses written in a foreign

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Enjoy it, it may come in handy perhaps? at least is anything to go by.
Thanks for the suggestions, Paulo, I agree with them.

About the essay guidelines: I've read the TOEFL official guide and the evaluation of the writing section is much like what you posted.

I think I really need improve in the "skillful use of sentence fluency / vocabulary", but I believe there's no other way than getting used to writing more and more.

I guessed you were a teacher indeed, but considering your fluency, it makes no difference... the guidelines for writing an essay are, in my opinions, simple.

See you.
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
Hmm, teacher? you have got to be kidding! it would be a long shot, eh? LOL

Anyway, I am flattered and now I see that those four farms that my parents spent on my English education wasn´t wasted!
Ha ha, just kidding...

No, I am just a learner just as you are, sometime in life I may try my hand at teaching, when I feel that my English is sufficiently good.
There is a long way ahead, for now I am happy to write my pieces here and have you guys suffering my ignorance of matters! he he.
Thank you very much indeed.