Correção de texto: TOEFL essay

Farei o TOEFL e estou preocupado, pois necessito tirar uma nota extremamente alta (28 no writing).
Poderiam verificar e fazer as devidas correções?
Desde já, agradeço.

Topic: A friend of yours has received some money and plans to use all of it either to go on vacation to buy a car Your friend has asked you for advice. Compare your friend’s two choices and explain which one you think your friend should choose. Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.

It is known that making important decisions might be quite overwhelming, especially when it comes to spending money, and asking for advice may be extremely helpful. If I were in my friend’s shoes, I would definitely buy a vehicle. It is my firm belief that purchasing a car is the best option for a number of reasons, and I will develop these ideas in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin with, the majority of city layouts cause automobiles to be favoured over alternative forms of transportation, such as bicycles and public transport. In fact, some cities offer such a precarious public transportation system that its inhabitants have no choice but to drive. As a result, cars are not a luxury, but rather a necessity. I have to admit that my opinion on this matter has been profoundly influenced by my own personal experience. You see, in my country, rarely do people have access to effective and efficient public transport system and, thus, they ought to use vehicles for almost everything, even the most mundane tasks. For instance, I have to take the car in order to go the gym since there is only one bus line that serves my entire neighbourhood and it takes twice as long. For this reason, if my friend purchases a car, he will not have to rely on inadequate public services.
Secondly, the car might be used to increase one’s income. With the booming of ridesharing applications, such as Uber, anyone can work as a driver and make extra money. My brother’s experience is a compelling example of this idea. Two years ago, he got engaged and his fiancé always dreamt of having an elegant wedding party. Nevertheless, they could not afford such an expensive event with their fresh graduate salaries. So, in order to save money for his marriage ceremony, my brother started to work as an Uber driver in his free time. Surprisingly, this part-time supplemental job proved to be reasonably profitable and, then, my sister-in-law had the wedding of her dreams. Had my brother not worked as a driver, he would not have had such an exquisite marriage party.
In light of the above-mentioned reasons, I strongly believe that my friend should use the money he has received to buy a car. This is because the vast majority of cities do not offer a reliable and adequate alternative form of transport and, hence, automobiles are virtually indispensable. Moreover, the vehicle may be used to supplement his income.

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1 resposta
Bryan Philpott 2 20 117
Things that crossed my mind:

"precarious public transportation" - it is much more natural sounding and common to say unreliable public transportation. Precarious in this context would carry a strong connotation of potential physical danger to one's person. If that is what you wanted to convey then it's fine, but I don't typically think of public transit as dangerous or perilous so much as unpredictable and unreliable.

"ought to use vehicles" - The situation you describe does not put someone in a situation where they ought to do something so much as they must do something. Ought here implies there is still a choice, whereas you are trying to put emphasis on the fact that there is virtually no choice.

"For this reason..." - For this reason sounds out of place here. Thus or as such would sound more fitting, but I think it is better to drive the point straight home instead of pausing for another transition and just say: "If my friend purchases a car, he will not have to rely on such inadequate public services.

"elegant wedding party" - Do not add the word party here; it sounds very informal and would clash with the rest of the text. It is sufficient and very common to say "an elegant wedding". The "party" after the wedding is referred to as the "wedding reception".

"exquisite marriage party" - Again, the word party doesn't belong here. "Exquisite wedding" is most common alone, though "exquisite wedding ceremony" and "exquisite marriage ceremony/celebration" would sound natural as well here.

"In light of the above-mentioned reasons..." - Using this phrase alone is fine, but then you also put the reasons immediately below this phrase - it seems a bit silly to say "above-mentioned reasons" if said reasons are, from the reader's perspective, more immediately and more closely below-mentioned. I'd suggest something like: "In summary, I strongly believe that my friend should use the money he has received to buy a car for two principle reasons: 1) the vast majority… and 2) the vehicle may be used…"

Overall, the writing is very formal and well done, but I think you are trying too hard to use transitions sometimes. It is not natural to have so many sentences in a row starting with transitional phrases/conjunctive adverbs, and as such it detracts from the overall apparent quality of the text.