Correção: Toefl writing exercise

Hi,

Would you give me some feedback on this TOEFL exercise?

The arrival of large factories are usually an important issue of discussion in small towns. Although they usually bring many job opportunities to the local community, it brings many problems as well, such as the rapid and unorganized town’s growth, the use of the area’s natural resources and pollution.

Many people would say that a big factory brings new people to the town and consequently the local economy would be benefited. However, with the economical development many issues come together. As people arrive and the city grows fast and uncontroled the consuption of natural resources increase and the city might experience some problems with water treatment, traffic, destruction of landscape, energy consumption and criminality. A major issue for the people living in a city like that is the loss of cultural identity that is a result of people arrival from all over the country. A good example of cultural loss is New York that grew fast and received people from the whole world and as a consequence no one can draw an unique caracteristic of New York city.

The factory itself may also be a major problem to the town. Factories usually makes use of chemicals that are toxic to humans, animals and plants. Such chemicals are potencial water, soil and air contaminants if they are not disposed correctly. And even if they are, environmental accidents are common. In Brazil, pharmaceutical industries use, illegaly, rivers and streams to discard chemical compounds. That makes the production cheaper but dangerous to the local community that can be intoxicated with those compounds.

Therefore the implementation of a large factory in any place needs to be discussed with the whole community. It needs to be carefully planned and everybody needs to be heard. Otherwise, many pleople can face problems and have their lives affected.


Thanks
Rafael
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Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
The arrival of large factories is usually an important debate topic in small towns. Although they usually bring many job opportunities to (the local) community it may bring many problems as well. Such as the rapid and unorganized town’s growth, the use of the area natural resources and pollution.




-Others may come up with improvement and revise this one, let´s wait for them.
-Although many favor the use of apostrophe with inanimate objects (as in "area´s natural resources"), I favor the old grammar rule of not using it. It´s a point of contention, sort of, among writers. Could be a question of writting style these days.

http://forum.wordreference.com/threads/ ... ns.165875/


I´ll be back to your text later, but others members of the forum are around and might deal with the other paragraphs.
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
Comments on the second paragraph:

Many people would say that a big factory brings new inhabitants/jobs to the town and economic growth to thecity. However, with  economical development comes other aspects of that boom. As people arrives to the city grows fast and uncontrolled growth of the city, the comsumption of natural resources increase and this may lead to its population increasingly experience problems with drug trafficking , social structures such as lack of sanitation and water treatment to many of its citizens. Also, the expansion of city population can lead to destruction of nature, pollutation, strain of its power grid ,and criminality, and other far-reaching impacts on the standard of living and general health.
A major issue for visitors and newcomers is that many of them lack the connection to the city and fail to adapt and add some habits to their cultural identity, as if they didn´t belong to the new enviroment. A example of the loss of such impacts, is the loss of the very ethos that characterizes it as a whole.


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Brings new jobs- meaning people as well, but avoids the overuse of “people”.
You could say that it increases the population and economic growth to the city.


Be aware of some word spelling wich you need to improve:
uncontrolled
consumption
potential 
illegally
people  (instead of pleople)
Avatar do usuário PPAULO 39205 6 32 684
The buildings themselves/the facilities themselves can be a source of major problems to the town. Factories usually make use of toxic chemicals, that may harm humans, animals and plants. Such chemicals can be substantial sources of water, soil and air contaminants. More so, when they are not disposed correctly.
And even if they are, there will be always the possibility of accidents, not to mention the use of rivers and streams to discard contaminants by unregulated polluting industry.
That makes the production cheaper but dangerous to the local community that can be intoxicated with those compounds.

Therefore the implementation of a large factory anywhere needs to be discussed along with the whole community. It needs to be carefully planned and every stakeholders need to be heard. Otherwise, lots of people may have their lives affected in a negative way.



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For the sake of variety, change “factory” to “plant/building” etc.
Try to use some variety in your vocabulary, factory can be "plant/building" or "people" could be "individuals/inhabitants/citizens..." etc, a Thesaurus dictionary could help you with that, or then you could crawl within the Linguee site for the words (even in Portuguese, with "fábrica" and "pessoas" etc, the search could come up with lots of useful hits.)


I left out the “common in Brazil”, firstly because you were talking in general terms, or should be. Then, because one must stick to the generalizations and then you generalize the fact that the fact is common.
By the way, the New York thing, was just to illustrate, anyway what happens in a city, isn´t necessarily emulated in other place, country, or region.


I left out the pharmaceutical industry part, because you had not mentioned anywhere that the text was about that kind of industry, remember? It was in general, so we can´t put lump togheter this kind of industry pollutants with that of petrochemicals (for the sake of illustration here - but could be many others).




Now I leave the ball to other Forumites. Let´s wait for their thoughts, opinions and improvements.